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More Pics in the updated PHOTO GALLERY  includes POSH NOSH 2009, INTERHASH 2010, YORKSHIRE and runs up to 989
Oi, do me a favour. Check out the Hash Awards page, I've spent ages updating it |
 Beware. Shuffle Cock has a down-down for you. He's keeping his beedy eye on the Hashit:
All known hashits are currently with the RAs who will be dolling them out at later hashes. However there still is lost property
Lost property - Rapid Withdrawal, Winchester Hash Tankard??
Shuffle's Hashit Independent Tracker is dumped weekly (in theory)
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 A MESSAGE FROM H5's FAVOURITE 999/ 1000 ORGANISER
There are 3 tickets in total:
1) Lottery Wednesday 1st September 2010 - 2 Lucky Dip Lines (ticket with Ward 10)
07 29 35 37 39 48 02 06 29 39 48 49
2) Euromillions including Millionaire Raffle Friday 3rd September 2010 (ticket with Ward 10)
01 02 14 15 36 and lucky stars 04 06 Raffle No. KWL726102
3) Lottery Saturday 4th September 2010 - 2 Lucky Dip Lines (ticket with Double Entry)
08 10 12 14 34 41 12 14 34 36 37 45
GOOD LUCK YELLOWS!
Double Entry
 I should explain (as DE uses me to launder much of her super 999/1000 activities). The weekend's winning team won a chance to become millionaires, Rodney, and these are the ticket numbers they now own.
The Count Small Print: H5 AND THE ENTERTAINMENT ORGANISING COMMITTEE ACCEPT NO LIABILITY WHATSOEVER IN CONNECTION WITH THESE TICKETS WHICH WERE GIFTED IN GOOD FAITH. CERTAINLY NONE FOR ANY LEGAL FEES RELATING TO THE COMPOSITION OF THE YELLOW TEAM OR THE CORRECTNESS OF THE DECISION TO NOMINATE THEM AS WINNERS. |
2010 POSH NOSH on Saturday 11 December will take the same format as 2009's highly successful event. The total cost of the 4 course meal and band is now a whopping £12 and there are only THREE unreserved places.
LADY POSH will take your booking and cash NOW.
(For dress code clues - see the PHOTO GALLERY event Posh Nosh 2009)
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 A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice:
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit." |
 NEWS FROM THE RAINFOREST: After some very wet runs (guess the clue was in the word "rain") all went well for H5ers at InterHash 2010. Pictures now filed in the PHOTO GALLERY event IH 2010.
Needless to say The Count was miffed because some German hasher had EXACTLY the same red dress as he, and Whitby Jet succumbed to her constant craving to get her mams out. So, all a bit predictable and all back safe and sound now. |
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 Run No 1000
Sunday 30 August 2010
Ringsfield Hall, Suffolk
Hares: Bangers, Capt F, Private Parts & Shufflecock
HASHERS: 42 ANKLE BITERS: 9 MUTTS: 1 APRES: 2
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 After Run 999, lunch and a few beers, the Hares set out to lay the trail, thankfully it was nice and sunny. With Bangers directing operations, the trail was quickly set, which lead many hashers to believe it'll be quick. Next day the run time was increased as a beer stop was added.
Run 1000 started out with everyone going in every direction around Ringsfield trying to find the right trail, no such luck until the hares sent them on the correct way (turn right from the house and through the woods). Once out into the fields, the children (and big children) indulged the time honoured tradition of hay bale jumping, which with a little help many of the ankle biters succeeded in doing. The FRBs weren't liking the number checks as Fizzy, Knotch and Skippy were showing how slow a knitting circle can be (Legs & Ginger Tom - you have a lot to learn).
At a held check, the knitting circle were sent on the short cut while the rest went the long long way around. With the knitting circle arriving at the next held check several minutes before the runners, it was suggested that they might like to partake in a few exercises, which were quickly abandoned after the various cries of derision. Meanwhile the FRBs were ignoring the numbers to the back, claiming they could hear the hash horn and that took precedence.
The runners finally caught the knitting circle up, with the held check turning into a beer and jelly baby stop. Suitably refreshed the pack set off once again, with the numbers yet again being ignored, as this back hare didn't once see a returning FRB. The knitting circle split into 2, the slowest version (Fizzy, Knotch, Hash Bike, Mekon, Shufflecock, Skippy, Wallahflobollox) (note to ed: can you fill in Will's hash name, can't remember it. [note to RA: can you give Shuffle a down-down for that]) enjoying a ramble around the countryside eating the blackberries and more bale jumping.
 All good things come to an end, and half way along the On Inn, the heavens opened and everyone had to make a run for it,[run? shurely shome mishtake there? ... ed] arriving back wet, cold and 2 1/2 hours after starting. As I always say there's nothing like a short run on a sunday lunchtime.
After lunch - a super Bangers BBQ cooked outside despite the rain - the circle was called by the GM, meanwhile the RAs were getting ready for their main duty of the day. After changing into appropriate clothing, they started to discuss who to punish. They were interrupted by Splitblox who looked a little perturbed until told that none of them were catholic. With the circle arranged outside the front entrance of Ringsfield Hall, the RAs, adorned with the hashits and the Travelling Stan Cross, made their entrance. The RAs lead the hashers to the proper hash circle deep in the woods.
With the hashers huddling under umbrellas, Rapid Withdrawal started his sermon. Almost immediately Hash Hush was broken and the hashers found that the RAs were in no mood to tolerate trivial offences. Hash hush was broken many times by Shagpile, Ringer, Lush Big Knickers (Knockers!? [yes I think so ....ed]), Count Roadkill, Shaggy, Frau Krafty Rot, Lady P and many others, who got the usual down downs.
 Rapid's sermon focused on the seven deadly sins and awarded down downs for:
Greed - Capt F for having 2 tankards.
Lust - Forking Dickchair (not sure you need to know what he was lusting after).
Leading the flock astray - Capt F, Fat Controller.
Building an Ark (getting soaked at end of run) - Mekon (Mekon, wet, thought for the day!!).
St Francis - Foghorn.
Causing an earthquake - Stallion.
Suffering the little children - Shufflecock [not sure where we're going here ... ed]
Resurrection (or was it erection?) - Fat Controller & Kisses Anytime [that's better .... ed]
Rapid had also acquired an amazing collection of lost tankards, with all accused claiming that theirs had in fact been nicked while they were sleeping (or some such twaddle). Capt F had even managed to lose both of his, but the hashers promptly got their own back by nicking the RA's tankards and making them have to take their  own down-downs, little knowing that the RAs had their own secret down-down stash for just such an occasion, and so enjoying a nice tipple of Old Speckled Hen instead of the dishwater called Fosters that they were serving.
Capt F stepped to lecture the RAs on not running the circle properly as the hares hadn't had a drink and as one of the hares he was quite thirsty, the RAs countered by claiming that's the HM's job and he could have a drink for forgetting his duty.
Most importantly, the elders from Run 1 - Mekon, The Colonel, Flo and Pongo - stepped into the circle to receive a down down.
On On to Run 1001 with The Fat Controller @ The Globe, Dunstable.
cheers
Shufflecock |
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Grace preparing to throw up .... Bangers gets the joke .... seriously, where did you get those hats? .... the WI expecting men from the sky
The vast majority of readers will have been at the super 999/ 1000 Weekend and enjoyed a couple of great runs, loads of good food & drink and smashing company, all in the lovely surroundings of Ringsfield Hall in Suffolk. We are "The WI Hash" and it was all very WI.
There are quite a few Hashers to thank for the weekend and we could try to list them ... the GM for delegating everything so well, Shagpile for finding the venue (but not always for cooking), Double Entry for making sure everything was thought about and worried over until it was right, Bangers for double-haring and BBQing, Underlay for doing everything that needed doing, Rapid for taking RAing to a new level, Cardiac & Smiffo for breakfast: they and more did a great job but the list would go on and folk would be unfairly left out. So no list.
It was a great weekend not because of a few but because of H5 and the people they are. Game for anything and never likely to moan when having a laugh is a better option. We had a super crew at Ringsfield truly reflecting H5 - veterans and newbies, very young and nearly old, returnees and regulars - having a good time and making sure everyone else had a good time too.
Your scribe's personal memories (many of which will appear on "9991000 The Movie" out in time for Xmas £9.99, order your copy now) .... Skippy & Fizzy puddle jumping .. relief after the screeching car .. Shaggy bale jumping .. the waitresses calling out names and trying to pronounce 'colonel' .. Hash Bike on the horn .. the 3-legged race .. BOF in the sack .. Grace not looking sick at all when she left .. the beer connoisseurs flopping .. never mind the buzcocks .. Smeg's first night in her tent .. sleeping in the library with the lead piping .. Chester having to wait outside .. one billy goat, two porky piglets, three chuckling chickens, four flying ducks .. Bangers' BBQ in the rain .. Fat Controller's helmet .. proper Religious Advisors being soaked .. Pecker's mega-umbrella .. Shuffle in hard-line mood .. the rounders ref in even harder line mood .. Shagpile getting it right second time .. Forking with 99 Red Balloons .. Foggy was a diva but finally, I promised I would say, Frau Krafty Rot was THE KARAOKE QUEEN.
Remind me of some more.
Well done everyone.
PHOTOS COURTESY OF AIRSCREW, LADY P AND HASH FLASH ...MORE AND BETTER WOULD BE VERY WELCOME
   LOOK OUT FOR 9991000 IN PHOTO GALLERY SOON
Simon Cowell gives his opinion .. White Rabbit proud to have done 60% of H5 runs .. 9991000 shirts come in all sizes |
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 Run No 999
Saturday 29 August 2010
Black Swan, Homersfield
Hares: Bangers, Shagpile & Underlay
HASHERS: 43 RETURNEES: 1 ANKLE BITERS: 10
MUTTS: 1 APRES: 3
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 It was great to see so many of the H5 family had made it to Suffolk for the run, including a veteran H5 member, no other than The Colonel. Even the weather was kind to us, so Well Done RA!
After the preliminaries were over, the pack set off on the first false trail. As the lead runners could be seen approaching the road, the sound of a car skidding could be heard that seemed to go on forever. Had the FRB's been wiped out by an East Anglian Speedy Gonzalez? Fortunately no one was hit, but a few hearts were racing for a while!
That drama over, the pack got on with the run, with early FRBs being Smiffo, Capt Fantaastic and Pecker. A lady's check briefly halted them and then the trail led through a woodland path. Although overgrown with stingers, the keen hashers raced along until another check at a stile was discovered. Trails led off in three directions, but Pecker was soon calling  On along the right one. Shortly afterwards Biggles led a good chunk on the FRBs down a false trail which allowed the laggards to catch up. A held check was found at the top of the hill and soon after this the trail led across a ploughed field. Fortunately not too 'claggey' so most went across without too many moans.
At the next check the true trail was more illusive. Finally PP dashed into a beet field and called the ON. Here Lush Big Knickers was seen going at a pace (she explained that she needs the exercise as it's nearing 'Little Black Dress' season) and The Count wasn't far behind [understandable she's going to fit that LBD nicely ...ed]. There was a lengthy delay at the next check while we all waited for Fizzy and Skippy to catch up. As they came into view the reason for their slow pace became apparent; they had the Good Craic ball and chain wrapped around them! It seems Capt F was guilty of this child abuse!
The path through a church yard was taken by the Short Cutters and the rest of the pack followed the trail though a meadow alongside a small stream. Biggles, Shaggy and Foghorn were along way ahead and didn't spot the check. They ran on through the shiggy for a long way before realising that they hadn't seen dust for ages. Having arrived back, the FRBs along with everyone else took the obvious path up a leafy lane which in turn led onto a long field path to the roadway. By now there were a few tired hashers, but they bravely carried on enduring cruel fish-hook checks until nearly back at Homersfield. A strange  sight was seen at the road - dozens of ducks crossing the road and causing the traffic to stop. Capt F and Foghorn went to assist the ducks with their crossing!
There was a short circle (much to the RAs disgust) at the end as food was imminent in the pub. Down-downs went to the hares, Shagpile, Underlay and Bangers. Skippy and Fizzy got D-Ds for their puddle splashing and I'm sure there were others, but I can't remember what I had for breakfast, much less things five days ago! [how's the search for younger hares going? .... ed]
ON ON
Shagpile
[note for hash flash: pictures don't match up .. must guess what wurdz will say...ed] |
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Run No 998
Monday 23 August 2010
Greyhound, Haynes
Hares: Capt F & Shufflecock
HASHERS: 23 ANKLE BITERS: 2 MUTTS: 1 APRES: 1 |
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The Scribes' threat of emasculation for Hares not sending Wurdz has worked well (see 997): this week both sent Wurdz. 1st The Good Capt:
Laying the run was a real pleasure. The weather was grand and Shufflecock and Capt F set off in fine spirits. Every trail around Haynes had previously been used on one run or another so a decision was taken to go slightly further afield in the pursuit of some previously un-trodden trail.
The weather from the time that the trail was laid right up until the start of the run was utterly dreadful. The RA joined us as the pack set off and a miracle occurred because this was the precise time that the previously unrelenting bad weather broke and the sun started to shine.
The start of the run went well and the pack stayed pretty much together until we reached the outer environs of Haynes. Unfortunately after this point the route had some pretty long sections which stretched the group out. This problem got worse and worse and eventually got to the point where some of the knitting circle (ie. Gorjoyce, Legs 11 & Ginger Tom) realised that they could not keep up and decided to return back to the pub. |
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Quite bright for the first few hours ...
...then the sun went down, the herons nodded off ...
... and for the last few hours it was moonlit
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It was clearly going to be a long run. After an hour the sun had pretty much set, but the goods news was that there was a full moon. This was a good job, because at this stage we had only just about reached the furthest point from the pub on the fringes of Wilstead. In a desperate bid to get back at a reasonable time, the lead hare (Capt F) decides to press on. It was probably due to this that the pack just got more and more fragmented. This coupled with the fact that the bad weather had just about washed the trail away in its entirety and that the light was failing rapidly is probably the reason why we lost some of the pack.
Apologies to Underlay, Lady P, Custard, Airscrew et al for losing you, Maybe the run was a tad ambitious and probably better kept for a sunny Sunday in early autumn.
That said, the views were truly spectacular and we did manage to find some new territory for a Haynes run. I personally really enjoyed the exercise and quite a few of the pack excelled and were running at record pace. Most notably Lush Big Knickers, Submissive and Frau Krafty Rot were totally inspiring.
Just to précis the run. It was long, very long. There were plenty of numbered checks that were either washed away or simply ignored. There were a couple of ladies checks and a Heron check, but unfortunately the Heron must have been tucked up in bed. The scenery was magnifico. The pack were sorely tested, but as always extremely gracious.
The FRBs eventually got back to the pub after about 1¾ hours, but I am pretty certain that there were quite a few that may have taken a tad longer. It was certainly a welcome site getting back. Down-Downs were liberally awarded by team RA, but other than to Gorjoyce who got hers for not going the whole way, I can't remember who else got one. Hopefully the Count's camera work will help to fill in the gaps.
Your deeply apologetic hares
Capt F & Shufflecock
ON-ON to Runs 999 and 1000 at Ringfield Hall Suffolk
Nothing to apologise for Capt, a very memorable evening .... Scribe.
..... unless of course you apologise for trying to make a poor old bugger do a number check you only dusted after he passed, knowing the weary sod was in for marathon slog. In which case apology accepted. |
Rapid's Babes were in good form
Old Dog, same Old Trick ..
.. not Old, no Dog but same Old Trick
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Next up Shuffle also in apologetic mood:
There was a hash called H5
Who all seemed very alive
But it looked like rain
and the will started to drain
before hares set them off down the drive.
The pack went left, the pack went right
It seemed like it might take them all night
To find the right trail
and hope it wouldn't hail
instead the sun was nice and bright
The GM was causing a fuss
with Double Entry in the bush
Gorjoyce joined in
I think it involved a bin
Maybe he was hoping for Lush |
Number checkers had a long way to the back
As the knitting circle took some flack
Legs and Ginger Tom held sway
As back markers, they ran away
Even Frau Krafty Rot said "Sod this, its load of cack"
Hashers were running in the dark
while Madge started to bark
"We're still going west,
This ways not best"
cried hashers who were suitably narked
Lady P got lost in the woods
with Custard as only they could
Underlay lead them astray
with Airscrew far far away
and Shagpile rescued them (it's not going the rhyme all the time) |
A circle in the dark, which is rare
FRB went to the hare
RA held court
several hashers were caught
Doing things that only they'd dare
One last question for the meek
Lush asked "where are we next week?"
So on to nine nine nine
Loads of hashers are coming to dine
The ale had better not be weak.
On On and apologies for atrocious limericks Shufflecock
..ouch, see what you mean ... Scribe |
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Run No 997
Monday 16 August 2010
Sugar Loaf, Meppershall
Hares: Cardiac, Biggles & Syzslak
HASHERS: 24 ANKLE BITERS: 3 MUTTS: 2 |
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Hares enlist gravity to get hash moving
Others carried the can but we know DE balled & chained poor Chester
A dry birthday for Scooby
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Hares: 3 Wurdz: Nil
Oh bad, bad Hares. We waited, and we waited and we waited again, but 'twas in vain; Wurdz came there none.
Have the Worboys boyz been beamed off-planet?
Has Dogz Bollox grounded them for some misdemeanour?
We wait anxiously for news...but don't hold your breath, unless of course Cardiac breaks wind, in which case...
RUN!!!
Cardiac may look as though he is smiling but we can assure you it is a very painful procedure, especially when you watch it performed on your son and heir
Let this be a warning to all Hares who don't come up with the Wurdz
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Is it us or is the knitting circle getting younger?
Nik Nak sees the light
"Chubbier than Shagpile": RA's proud boast
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Run No 996
(JOINT WITH MKH3)
Monday 9 August 2010
Green Man, Eversholt
Hares: Ringer & Forking DC
HASHERS: 18 ANKLE BITERS: 2 MUTTS: 1 MK: Loads |
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Hares spare no expense to explain the signage ....
A warm welcome to Chez Forking
Thongo thought it was a Ketchup Run
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Run No 996 is a reminder of how close H5 are to Runs 999/1000. As for MKH3 it was run 1226.
Where shall we begin; perhaps with all of MKH3 arriving half an hour early as their routine start time is 1900 hrs. After an H5 circle where our system of checks and number fish-hooks was explained to the guests, off we set, up a freshly reaped field of wheat stubble. As the pack set off uphill Nik Nak whispered in Forking's shell-like: was it safe to proceed? 'Safe as houses' the hare reassured her, but looking around the countryside untrustingly she replied 'But there are no houses here…'
Through pastures of gambolling sheep and enchanted woodland, no checks were wasted as the FRBs such as Brian without a Name Yet [Asst Ed note to RA: digitus extractus] and Private Parts explored all routes. With the field of runners about the same size as the Grand National, there were several number checks employed about the course to keep the front and back together. The Kissing Gate crossings were also delaying the FRBs, but Le Voisin was keen to put the kissing part of them to good use with any passing female in the vicinity, such as Gorjoyce or Lush Big Knickers. A field of thistles kept the pack in Indian file with some carrying going on. It is acceptable for Skippy to be hoisted on Frau Kraft Rot's shoulders, but for Double Entry to mount the Count is asking for a Down-Down.
Other worthy Down-Down recipients include birthday boys Shufflecock (acting RA) and Thongo who declared the run as assorted as a tin of Heinz, there being so much variety. Chester was awarded the Good Craic award for his sno-plough running style dragging Dogger at the other end of the umbilical lead into the circle. Pussies Galore was selected by MK as their 'Jugs of the Week' girl. Close second in that category could also have been Karmen Suits Ja and Ingrid. Legs Eleven bleating in the rain was a late 'wet T shirt' hopeful, but the passing shower barely dampened her. Afterwards as the beer flowed, Lush revealed to Forking that to match his Fork Lift Truck abilities she was a dab hand at the Cherry Picker. Since she lost her cherry long ago she now has no further use for it. I suppose that would match Forking's CV that states he was a dish washer at a Greek restaurant.
On On to Meppershall and The Sugar Loaf. |
... and even arrange extra flour just in case.
Bringing some colour to Palmer's Shrubs
It's alright Shuffle: it's your birthday and you're among friends. Really.
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Run No 995
Monday 2 August 2010
Chequers, Woolmer Green
Hares: Spotted Dick & Custard
HASHERS: 23 MUTTS: 2.5 APRES: 1 |
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This lot came from Rent-a-Poseur
Chester & K9 won Poseurs of the week
Bell End and Shagpile, backward
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After circling up there were no birthday or anniversary announcements to be made so it was on-on out of the pub car park. Everyone turned right down the B197 for about 150 yards until they found the on-back sign. Back up the B197 they all went and past the pub. After crossing the road at the pelican crossing most found the right direction and turned left down New Road. By now the changes in direction had manoeuvred the SRBs to the front and straight on past The Fox pub.
Lo, the pack were all together or were they? Where were Private Parts, Bell End and Shagpile? The pack reached the corner of Garden Road and had a general mill about. Underlay was off checking the path to the east heading for Mardleybury farm but it soon proved to be a falsie. Shufflecock quickly found the next check in Garden Road promptly mentioned it to the hare and then forgot to tell the pack who were having a good old chit chat. A quick dust arrow and support from Custard (Hare 1) put the pack back on the scent whilst the SRBs missed out the Garden Road loop.
A quick find further up New Road took the pack ENE out across the parched wheat and off towards Rectory Lane and the horses. A fishhook just before the check led to so much discussion about the number of returnees that the hare had to re-lay it to stop the argument reminding Dogger of his duty to lead the other 5 back. Obviously the FRBs were not feeling keen for a few extra yards tonight and were just playing for time.
The check was investigated whilst Spotted Dick (Hare 2) and Double Entry put their feet up on the bench. The Count whipped across the stile to no avail just as Underlay picked up the dust to the south along the fence.
The pack turned right down the edge of the field in hot pursuit and a quick on-on from Underlay pulled the pack into Cave Wood. It transpired later that The Count never knew it existed. Surprising as he has run all (sic) of the local tracks [ok ok i was just a little rash in saying that .... ed]. No one fell down the old mine workings which was fortunate as they are very deep. A scurry through the trees, off path, led now by Lady P whose ON-ONs brought The Count and Underlay and a breathless Private Parts back to the head of the pack. He was in a frightful state almost the colour of a beetroot as he appraised Hare 2 of the whereabouts of Shagpile and Bell End. More of that later!!!
A Holding Check was arrived at in the east of the woods and everyone waited while the knitting circle caught up with the FRBs. On-on was left through the next field to a check at the Rectory Road gate which had a few fooled into trying left up towards the New Road crossroads. However it was Underlay again who picked up the scent inside the field boundary and led the crew back into Datchworth. A quick investigation by The Count as far as the Train Sheds (Datchworth model railway club) led to nought and it was off south across the fields towards the Datchworth No. 2 Cricket Pitch. Did I say “across the fields” it was more like an earthquake zone. The ground was so dry the cracks in the path were nearly a foot deep.
Past the oval the pack slipped quickly through the hedge into the byway. All bar Hare 2 and Lady P went right down the Byway until they found their way blocked by a mighty oak limb completely blocking the way. Hare 2 having called Lady P back from crossing |
Hare 2 with Deca Mug
Any comment on DE parking? ...
..... K9 has his say
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the Rugby pitch met Dogger and hound coming back up the east side of the byway hedge. Dogger uttered – ah I thought I was going the wrong way!!! As he initiated an immediate u-turn and back tracked. Double Entry had relished the thought of running through the small gap under the tree and had hoped for a hasher getting stuck in the tree and having to call the fire brigade out to rescue them [note to gm: ee has fireman fettish ... ed]. The things people wish for!!!!!!!!
However, it wasn’t to be as the hash had been redirected down the path through the adjacent field obviating any hunky excitement. The rest of the pack filtered past the fallen tree and all regrouped back at the check on White Horse Lane. Check it out from Hare 2 set them off again and the Count decided to take a detour left and found a very promising path along the stream edge however not a spot of dust was there. The rest of the pack sensibly took the Robbery Bottom Road how could they be wrong as Shagpile and Bell End hove into view. They were ploughing down the road with beaming smiles all was well the pack were as one.
“We’ve run the trail backwards they cried”. (What utter tosh they were plainly running forwards like the rest of us). They had found the “ON-INN trail” about 50 yds from the Pub ( BY SNEAKING BACK ACROSS THE MAIN ROAD WITHOUT USING THE PELICAN CROSSING – good job there were no horrors to see such travesty) and by the time they realised their mistake were so far behind that they had decided to run the trail in reverse !!!!. This blatent abuse of the rules was not for Private Parts [ah the rules pp must have found a copy .... ed] hence his strenuous effort to catch us all up.
As the pack toiled up Robbery Bottom Road The Count and Lost Cause were still jogging along the stream – still no dust- and a call brought them back to them galloping back to the fold. A super falsie and all self generated, the hares were impressed. As the pack neared the chicane Shagpile wisely held back exactly the right number of runners to allow Dogger and the the SRBs to find the fishhook they knew to be ahead – sneaky hey. Chester was left behind as Dogger did his duty. All collected back at the Holding Check as Hare 2 had to brief the reversees to keep stum about the rest of the trail.
Heading north towards the Stone Age Fort along the byway Dogger swerved around the fly tipping which yielded an enormous fright for Chester as he came face to face with his nemesis K9 (No sign of Doctor Who) [might have the wrong movie there .... ed]. Having ascertained we were a friendly bunch K9 agreed to accompany Dogger and Chester back to the pub. An easy pick-up, who said no sex on the hash?!!
A swift excursion through the field to the telephone masts and past the fort led back to the Great North Road. The FRBs were led across by the Count as Hare 2 laid the ON-INN for the SCBs. Left and up to the top of Mardley Hill for the rest, a right along The Drive led by Shagpile (funny he knew the route so well) followed by a quick dive across Heath Road led the pack through the edge of Mardley Heath to the point where Shagpile, Private Parts and Bell End got to before they realised they were backtracking. A short dash back under the main line past the Red Lion back to the Chequers and a dearthless plate of food. NO more hashes from here on a Monday you can presume.
The pack split; some taking the fresh air round the back intent on teasing the chipmunks (sensible chipmunks remained hidden) while the rest waited inside for the food to arrive (suckers). Eventually the RA rounded everyone up for the downdowns, a pint each for the Hares, Spotted Dick nearly beaten by Custard (phew close call he said). Spotted Dick about to walk out of the circle only to have to quaff another ale for his tenth run. He also picked up the Hashes for his screw up on the back path allowing Shagpile and Bell end to run half the trail twice, quite a haul for Spotted Dick. Private Parts was re-awarded the Ball & Chain for running too fast and catching up with the pack. A few more down downs for minor misdemeanours and the evening wound itself up. Dogger took K9 home to be Chesters best friend, we suspect it is not the last we will see of K9. THE END.
On On to The Green Man at Eversholt and Well Done Hare 1 for that Magnum Opus
RAPID BABES: Did anyone spot a slight gender bias in the RA's Down-Down nominations for 995?
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Run No 994
Monday 26 July 2010
Plough, Langford
Hares: Gorjoyce & Private Parts
HASHERS: 25 ANKLE-BITERS: 1 MUTTS: 3 NEWBIES: 4 |
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Amphibious Chester?
FDC aiming to fill new shorts
Melbourn Monk enticed by Pussies
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The night after the run, and your GM and Hare is faced with a potentially life changing decision: write the words, or go for pint or two at the Engineers Arms... Hmmm... difficult one, but sometimes your GM has to take tough decisions!
The night after the night after the run: introducing Sexocet and co to the delights of the Engineer's Arms (the pub that is) was a good laugh. Now, however it's time for me to write a word or two or The Count with an O will complain endlessly and I really have no excuse tonight...
It seems incredible that after almost 1000 runs it is still possible to find a decent pub right in the middle of H5 territory that we've not run from before! A decent sized turnout included 4 newies that Shuffle Cock picked up from rentafriend.com, a toilet-seat wielding Double Entry (what will the neighbours say) and a birthday-girl co-hare!
This bunch of rowdy misfits, led initially by Ringer, embarked on a scintillating tour of Langford village, taking in all 3 pubs, the village club and the GM's new HQ. Unfortunately the HQ is currently undergoing major refurbishment (i.e. only half the downstairs floors are fitted) so no beer stop this time (a factor which may have influenced the Engineers Arms decision the following evening).
Having covered the village it was time to check out the surrounding countryside; Submissive was as reliable as ever - wrong countryside again! Some things never change! Most of the pack chose to take the falsie past Flo and Overflo's former residence, but the real trail headed out along the road towards Henlow. Here Gorjoyce led the walkers on a shortcut along the river, while the runners ran a mile loop across the fields. Cap't F, The Count, Bell End and Brian that is called Brian were all caught out by numbers before the trail joined up with the shortcut at the riverside.
The final leg along the river was typically beautiful English countryside. We all remained dry; partly due to the weather, but mainly due to the absence of Scooby Doo. The circle was similar to other circles: Gorjoyce sang 'when I'm 64' while wearing the birthday hat - can you guess why? Lady P provided awards for Karmen Suits Ja (10 runs), Private Parts (250 runs) and Stallion (300 runs); Pongo gave a concise account of the history of Langford (or Long Ford as it used to be); Shagpile introduced a caption competition (most unwise given she's a black belt me thinks); and Forking gave a typically inexplicable explanation of the misdemeanours...
OnOn to The Chequers
PP
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Wot no Beer Stop GM? Not even a floor.
300, 250 & Deca Awards
What the best dressed H5ivers are wearing this season
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Run No 993
Monday 19 July 2010
Fox & Duck, Therfield
Hares: Shagpile & Underlay
HASHERS: 16 ANKLE-BITERS: 1 MUTTS: 2 NEWBIES: 2 |
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Dogger prepared for anything
Newbies Jack & Ingrid
Birthday Boys (they were once)
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Twas a hot and sultry evening when the H5 pack gathered at Therfield. It was good to see two newies (Ingrid and Jack) had joined us as well.
After the usual 'elf 'n safety warning was given the pack keenly set off to seek out the trail. Early FRBs were Capt F, Brian and Dogger who soon found a bar check resulting in a diversion into a bovine inhabited field.
After some to-and-froing, a gaggle of male Hfivers traversed the field at speed but were soon halted at a Ladies Check. Submissive was the first of her gender to arrive and duly began to check-it-out. Bad luck though; it was a falsie! A jet lagged Lady P found another false trail before the real one was discovered by Submissive. Across a small meadow she led the way to the next check, which just happened to be a Ladies Check. Only two ways to go, but unfortunately Submissive chose the wrong one. Bad luck again!
Now the trail led into a leafy track and the sweaty H5 bodies were an attraction for a variety of airborne bugs and beasties. Private Parts had his own buzzing halo whilst yours truly provided a landing strip on the bald pate for the bugs. Another (Ladies) check provided a short delay until Double Entry called the On.
The trail split away from the track up the side of a field of mature rape. Capt F and a few others lost the trail, but Shuffle Cock spotted the path that went straight through the shoulder high crop. He led the pack and eventually came back to the same mozzie infested track but had to halt at, yes, you've guessed it, a Ladies Check. Keeping up with the theme, Submissive arrived to do the necessary, but this time gave it some careful consideration before opting for the ........ False Trail! My, how we chuckled!.
Now dear reader, I don't want to bore you, so just to precis the rest of this report: 5 more Ladies Checks - Submissive 100% wrong in her choice of trail! (She was a Good Egg though and only resorted to an expletive at the final one - I think).
We arrived back at the pub to find a shed load of motor bike riders were there enjoying the beer, and so our small H5 circle went almost unnoticed on the green in front of the pub.
Down-Downs were awarded, but other than to Submissive, I can't remember who, but the pics will give you some clues.
On On to The Plough at Langford
Shagpile & Underlay |
Submissive anti-octopus
GM shows leadership qualities ..
.. but who took the hashit?
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Run No 992
Monday 12 July 2010
Pig & Whistle, Stotfold
Hare: Knobber
HASHERS: 17 ANKLE-BITERS: 2 MUTTS: 1 NEWIES: 1 APRES: 4
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"It's 7.29. Where's the Hash?"
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A false trail? Surely not!
Who shot the GM?
Newie Mike succumbed to the cold (Guinness)
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The circle was waiting when I eventually turned up after laying a 'figure of eight trail', just to be a bit different. After Mike visiting from Harrogate had been introduced the On On was called and the Hash left the Pig and Whistle.
Following a short loop through the south of the town, the Hash was surprised to found itself back at the Pig and Whistle soon after. After a brief period of the Hash wandering about in confusion and disbelief, Underlay discovered the path along the side of the pub and called the on to the held check at the High Street. This gave Shufflecock and PP a chance to rejoin after sneaking off together while the Hash were trying to find the other loop of what they hadn’t realized was an '8'.
As it had been quite humid during the day, I had anticipated a sedate amble and set the length of the trail accordingly. So I became a bit concerned when Mike and Biggles started charging around looking for dust, and we arrived at the riverside sooner than I had planned. Disregarding my intricate powdered maze, they scythed a trail of their own to the held check at the Mill.
Everyone except Ringer followed the falsie along the edge of the appalling new housing scheme (but where there was once a peaceful meadow). So I called Ringer back to join the pack before it found the bar, which Underlay rightly pointed out should have been a T, and returned to where Ringer had been in the first place.
Then back through the churchyard and up and along the alleys, and along the High Street to find the ON INN.
Down downs went to me as the Hare, Mike as a Newie, and DE and PP (and Ringer) but I can’t remember why, and should have gone to Biggles for big FRBing and Spotted Dick for not explaining to Mike that we don’t run fast, but for the budget cuts that were the subject of Shufflecock’s RA sermon. The beer was a bit cold for down downing although the Pig and Whistle has won awards for the best IPA in Bedfordshire. And it is the only pub that we run from that has an 'I' in each word (except the 'and'). [Do we believe this? - Asst. Ed.]
Knobber
Many thanks to apres Bangers for rushing the remnants of his Bowling Club BBQ over to the pub. Much appreciated fare after the run - Asst. Ed]
On-On to the Fox & Duck at Therfield |
Fresh from Interhash
Lilly checks it out...
...while RA Shuffle checks back in from Borneo
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Run No 991
Monday 5 July 2010
White Hart, Upper Sundon
Hares: Forkin', Malcolm & Rusty
HASHERS: 11 ANKLE-BITERS: 1 MUTTS: 2
NEWIES: 1 APRES: 2
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Before...
...and after
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News from the 'Why Tart' Saloon:
Off went the hash, although in the wrong way to start with until Private Parts led the downhill charge along a field path, returning with Chester borrowed from Dogger. With two dogs on the hash, including newie cum hare Malcolm and his pooch Rusty, Double Entry showed her dogging skills by running with Rusty. It was a bottleneck stop at the next stile as all tried at the same time to traverse the crossing, Rusty just barged through. The next fence crossing was better, partly as the hare Forking' had been round with the shears the day before and given the surrounding nettles what Nik Nak called a Brazillian cut. Not shy to admit to waxing on a bit, there was a Go Ape check on the village green as Truly Scrumptious carefully negotiated her way around the course while keeping her 'Black with shiny bits' nail varnished talons undamaged. Dogger, just back from his end-to-end challenge was still covering vast miles by hitting lots of number checks. Brian, an (as yet) un-named regular was FRBing despite carrying the Good Craic award with pride. The weather was great, the scenery fantastic the views stunning. The short cut way was taken by Thongo who summarised the route as discombobulating as he hadn’t the foggiest idea where he was in this virgin territory, although he recommended the virgins. At the pub Thongo was giving his e-mail address to an old friend from the Nigeria hash. He spoke of the harsh life in those parts, which reminded me of a one armed, one eyed man from Honduras I once met in the bush.
Back at the pub, fresh from Eastborneo, Fat Controller and Kisses Anytime were waiting. Stallion and Matador exited sharply, thus missing the raucous circle where Ringer came out of the closet, Double Entry announced she had e-mailed everyone and Chester and Rusty shared a doggy down down of Bombardier Bitter from the dog bowl.
On on to the Wig and Pistle, Stotfold. |
"The path goes ROUND the field!"
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Hashers playtime
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Run No 990
Monday 28 June 2010
Chez Ringer, Dunstable
Hare: Ringer
HASHERS: 7 ANKLE-BITERS: 1 MUTTS: 0 NEWIES: 0 APRES: 1 |
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Ooo, checking!
LBK finds heavenly bliss...
...while Stallion contemplates the lonely trail
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Given the number of Hashers that are either away on duty at Interhash or in other parts foreign, this was always going to be a small turnout, but would it be, to borrow a phrase from the Tallin Hash, “small, but low quality”. Small certainly but low quality? We would have to wait and see. In another attempt to defy the expectations of those coming to Hash in Dunstable: “Oh, it'll be the quarry, or the Downs, but hills anyway”, Hare Ringer planned an alternative.
The roseate fingers of Monday's dawn promised another hot day and the promise was fully delivered. What was not promised, but arrived anyway was the fact that while emerging from his pit, the Hare pulled his back YET again and was rendered walking wounded. Ibuprofen gel came to the rescue (other pain relief treatments are available), but when I set off to lay the run, I could only just walk, let alone run. However over the next hour things improved and when it came to the second lap, I was moving quite freely – beware this 'freedom' is an illusion (see later).
Asst RA Forking Dick Chair cycled up from nearby home, Last to arrive was Stallion accompanied by Matador, whom we have not seen for many a moon; Matador is now rapidly approaching his teenage years – oh lucky Stallion and BOF. Other Hashers were Capt F, Private Parts, Double Entry and Lush Big Knickers (note it's an 'I' not an 'O' in that last part of her name). PP called the circle to order and since there were no birthdays etc. it was handed straight over to the Hare, who announced that due to the aforementioned back, there were no bars or Ts, just many, many checks and numbered fishtails.
Previous history led PP to believe he knew the way and ran on no dust at all, completely missing the side road where the true trail lay. This led shortly to a check at which Capt F asked "Ooo, can we go down the underpass?" As this was indeed the right choice, the Hare kept stumm. Past The Glider pub we went before (eventually) disappearing down a cul-de-sac secreting a leafy lane. Just before the lane disaster struck when RA FDC pulled up short, hobbling and complaining that something had gone POP in his leg. This is never good news, so he wisely withdrew and returned to base to retrieve his bike before attempting to pick us up again further round the course, but with very limited (i.e. no) success. Without an RA left on the run, Double Entry stepped smartly into the breach and went into Secret RA mode. The lane led back to the A5 road, which we crossed before heading through a residential estate by means of a baffling series of pedestrian-only back-doubles.
A footpath along the bottom of Blows Downs brought us back close to the centre of Dunstable. From here we went through the churchyard of what remains of the Priory Church, on which a short history lesson was given about Archbishop Cranmer announcing from the church on 23 May, 1533 the divorce of Henry VIII from Catherine of Aragon, and the separation of England from the Church of Rome...blah, blah, blah.
Crossing the A5 once more led us past the residence of Bangers 'n' Madge, where we chanced upon the good lady wife of said Bangers. Stopping briefly to say howdy, we pressed on across Bennett's Rec and wended our way back uphill to the On Inn.
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"I suppose you think that's funny!"
Stop. This is getting too silly
"Small but low quality" |
If there had been a Good Craic award to be awarded it would definitely have gone to PP, who although matched by Capt F in being caught by ALL the number fishtails, at two of them PP was 1st AND 3rd to number-3 checks, so went to the back twice at each.
Back at chez Ringer, we were joined by RA Rapid Withdrawal who, absent for some weeks, has been sporting an injury that will not clear up, and is therefore for the time being a non-runner. A pasta supper was on offer which was consumed with gusto. At the circle, we had to run around a bit to make it look in the pics as though there were more of us. Down-downs were awarded to everyone for something or other, including humping (see side picture). Nearly all the accompanying photos are courtesy of Double Entry, this week's acting Hash Flash.
Post-hash note: Ringer paid the price for the earlier 'freedom' when the Ibuprofen wore off and the pain struck again – at 01:14 am to be precise. A nocturnal bathroom visit look the best part of 30 minutes, crawling on hands and knees, with a lot of teeth-gritting and the support of walls, doors, furniture or anything that came to hand. Drat, more drat and double-drat.
On-On to The White Hart next week at Upper Sundon.
Ringer |
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Run No 989
Monday 21 June 2010
Chez Captain Fantaastic, Shefford
Hare: Capt. F
HASHERS: 22 ANKLE-BITERS: 3 MUTTS: 1 NEWIES: 1 APRES: 3 |
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Forkin' shows absent RA Rapid the
pristine condition of the Hashit
Mekon envious of Gorjoyce's new
sports bra. Stallion just mesmerised
H4's Limbs Sprouting gets the hashit BEFORE his first run with H5.
Phew, is this RA tough or what?
The Count powers through
[no need for sarcasm .. ed]
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What with the punting trip being a bit of a washout and things not looking so bright on Sunday, I decided to lay the trail on Monday lunch-time. This turned out to be a faaaantaaaastic decision because the weather took a turn for the better which made laying the trail really enjoyable.
I reckon I spent about two hours laying the trail and I only saw two or three people in the entire time. The scenery was great and it was pleasantly warm.
The new monuments in Chicksands plantation inspired the hare to invent a new type of check. The acorn check, which can only be checked out by hashers in possession of NUTS (i.e. most male hashers and any hariettes in possession of a packet of KP dry roasted).
After assembling in the back garden the circle is called. For some reason Limbs Sprouting (our visiting newie) has been talked into wearing Forking’s filthy new hashit. Clearly a veteran hasher.
The pack is sent on its way. It was not long before Shagpile was back at the front door with a horrific leg injury. He’d got a sting from one of Sheffords nasty biting critters. We didn’t have any brown paper or vinegar and no-one was ever going to volunteer to suck out the poison. Tarzan being ever nimble minded remembered the jar of Shallots in the back of the food cupboard. Having quickly decanted the lumpy bits, the remaining fluid was then applied to Shagpiles throbbing leg [which does not bear thinking about .. ed] injury. I was wondering what that smell was when I got back, but as ever I was far too polite to bring it up.
I hope you were all impressed with Sheffords newest tourist attraction. The “Shefford pole” is certainly the biggest erection in these here parts.
The run was fairly typical for a Shefford run. I think Pongo referred to it as the C run (there are only three) but with a smattering of the B run thrown in. I was fairly happy with my variation of running Cock-Shoot Hill counter-clockwise as it did allow for a classic figure of 8 route. Re-use of trail is also quite helpful when you don’t carry enough flour to start with.
There’s not much more to say really. Actually it’s more the fact that there is not much more that I can remember, but below I have listed a few things:
1. Mekon returned early refusing to come into the long grass with me
2. Knobber got left behind at some point with a desperate urge to remedy the impending water shortage
3. There were loads of numbered checks and these did their job pretty well, because for most of the time the pack did in fact stay pretty much together.
4. The visiting hashers are simply too fit and in future we may have to provide some sort of handicapping measures.
5. The scenery was great, but I am biased.
6. Sheffords new tourist attractions must surely be the ninth wonder of the world and will almost certainly put this sleepy little town well and truly on the international site seeing map [and inflate the price of local housing no doubt .. ed].
After getting everyone back to base (it took about 1 hour 15) it was great to see that Shagpile & Tarzan had managed to get the pork-pies and Pimms all ready and waiting. I hope you all enjoyed it, as much as we did [we jolly well did .. ed].
Pongo – your Tartan Jewel Cake was just brill. Hopefully it won’t be too long before I can get to taste it again.
As for down-downs I haven’t a clue. I remember getting one myself for double booking a dinner date with my new neighbours for the evening of the hash and then having to go and apologise for my c*ck up. That Pimms down-down was probably what did my memory in, because it was pretty strong stuff.
I reckon that Forking must have had a fair amount to drink, because he managed to leave behind the hashit, toilet seat and both RA trays [it's your birthday Shuffle .. ed]. It was his birthday so I guess he can be excused this misdemeanour on this occasion.
Our 2nd timer Brian got the Good Crack award for erring on the side of athleticism.
Oh one last thing. Did anyone put some cheese away in one of our kitchen drawers? Come Wednesday it was ponging dreadfully and took a bit of tracking down. I only ask cos I got the blame for it from Tarzan. Given my recent track record this is probably fair, but I thought I would ask.
ON-ON to Run 990 – at Ringer's pad
Capt Fantaaaastic
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Capt F whittles a fine erection
2 nuts and a birthday boy...
...Stylish!
Heron, Gone Fishin'
Submissive and LBK learn that
Hare speaks with forked tongue |
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Shuffle writes on Punting 2010:
Punting, food, drinks and company were all excellent, weather was crap. Mucho gracias, grazie tanto and spasiba to Capt F and Tarzan for organizing it all and ferrying everyone's gear around. |
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Run No 988
Monday 14 June 2010
Chequers, Wrestlingworth
Hares: Mekon & Shufflecock
HASHERS: 18 MUTTS: 1 NEWIES: 1 APRES: 1 |
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The On-Out is...somewhere!
Newie Brian prepares for initiation
Just ask Forkin' - it'll be quicker
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Disclaimer: In the absence of Count Scribe for the next few weeks, the public presentation of any Wurdz of Wisdom that Hares may offer falls to the Assistant Scribe. Note however, that all cock-ups remain the fault of the Count.
"What we've got here is...failure to communicate”, said the warden of the road prison to Luke in the classic 1967 film Cool Hand Luke. Likewise, failure to communicate struck our Hares for this run: “Where ARE you?! blah, blah, blah “I've got to deal with the kids” blah blah blah. And so it was that we circled up, sans Hares, and were informed by the Hash Master that it would be a Live Hare run. Oooh, haven't had one of them for a while.
This though from the Hares:
Lazy Sunday afternoons/evenings are a good time to set a hash,
unfortunately there also a great time to eat, drink and natter, resulting in the run turning into a live hash.
Monday evening and the weather was either lovely or ominous depending on what part of sky you looked at. Myself and Mekon started off with a couple of false trails before leading the hash into the fields, where we said hello to the horse. Leaving the horse behind, there was a nice a quick trip around field, with a stop at a rope swing over a dry ditch. From there to an overgrown trail through a wood and eventually back into another part of village. With surreptitious glances to make we weren't spotted (it was close to 7.30), we ran down the road and back out the other side of the village, round the field and ended up at the bulls. First field had a sign saying 'beware the bull', no bull only cows, second field had a sign saying 'beware the bull', no bull
or cows, third field had no sign and was full of them, with the amusing sight of Mekon shooing away the inquisitive bullocks. Leaving them behind it was past the church and setting the on inn. Meanwhile the real hash was going on, piecing together the stories after the run, this is what I believe happened.
The hash started off with usual suspects Pecker and Count Roadkill
FRB'ing, shame they were going down the false trails. Frau Krafety Rot
found the right trail and was soon merrily talking to the horse. Shaggy had much fun on the rope swing, but was unable to make it to the other side. Rapid Withdrawal found the real trail through the woods, with Pussies almost getting lost in the undergrowth. Bangers and Submissive were almost in trouble when Madge and Max decided it was time for a bit of cow herding / bull rustling, but with a bit of help from Screamer and Flo managed to the dogs back under control, while Dogger and Donut got the cows off the road and back into field. The On Inn was found by G-String and Grace, and arrived back at the pub to find they'd failed to catch the hares by quarter of a pint.
A welcome to newbie Brian, a welcome back to Dan Dare, down downs for Karma Suits Ya, Shagpile, Forking and others, 50 run mugs for Double Entry and myself.
On-On to punting in Cambridge followed by the Pork Pie and Pimps run
from Capt F's house.
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The spectators were enthralled
Just wait 'til I catch you!!
Karma demonstates new
over-the-shoulder technique
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Who's got a shiny new mug then?
Well 'Shh, you know who' has as well |
Can anyone join? |
Ooo, that feels nice!! |
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Run No 987
Monday 7 June 2010
Rose & Crown, Tewin
Hares: Entry Entry and PP
HASHERS: 13 MUTTS: 2 APRES: 2 |
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Shaggy offers horse hashit
Dogger cycled into Forking DownDown
Guilty as charged: Underlay, ?, Shaggy & Zingalong
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A worrying weather forecast for Sunday made us decide to lay the trail that evening in order to ensure that as much of the trail as possible survived the rain storm. Those hashers who made it to WWW's birthday bash at Captain F's pad will know that it rained very hard during Sunday afternoon. Both your hares were therefore very surprised (and relieved) to remain dry during the laying and to discover that the trail was still there on Monday evening.
Forking was a very early FRB, but led the way up a falsie while Underlay was seen heading off in completely the wrong direction. It was Shufflecock who found the right route away from the village green and out over the fields. The pack split on entering the woods with Pongo and Shagpile taking a short cut while the others took a longer loop. As the running group headed along a short stretch of road a call of "petrol" warned of the approach of Zing-along-a-max. The arrows laid by the hares clearly worked - he caught us up later.
The FRBs (Shaggy and Shuffle) both missed out on seeing the mill by the river, but then they avoided that particular falsie. Most of the rest of the pack saw it though, and the FRB?s merely got a longer run to the back a minute or two later. The pack split shortly after, with the runners taking a long loop around a large field back to the pub while the walkers took a more direct route: Lush Big Knockers? [can't believe you said that PP but I take your points .... ed] orange attire was clearly visible from a quarter of a mile away!
As usual, everyone enjoyed a fine sample of beverages at the pub on their return, and we met up with Dogger who had cycled from Hitchin without the assistance of his 4-legged friend. Pongo described the run as being like one of the hares: very pretty. He didn't specify which hare though, but both hares got down-down rewards. CRk failed (again) to capture Double Entry on film (or indeed, on anything else) - her powers of camera avoidance are getting plenty of practice!
OnOn
PP
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Custard kindly washes Forking shirt
Even wine won't tempt Lush to wear hashit
Getting close to that snap of Double Entry
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Run No 986
Monday 31 May 2010
Lytton Arms, Old Knebworth
Hares: The Count and Lady P
HASHERS: 24 ANKLE BITERS: 6 MUTTS: 4 APRES: 9 |
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Our GM enjoyed the Play Check
Pecker in the Park - FRBing
Custard beat the Scooby Challenge
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For those of you still worried Fat Controller's Wordz for 985 may never arrive .... stop. They are here now. I for one love his work: see more of it at http://fotmh3.com/trash/960.html. A contender to rival Entry Entry for Wordz Writer of the Year?
As for 986 my efforts pale to insignificance. But with The Lytton - the Engineers of the South as we know it - you can't go far wrong. A bumper attendance, a few distractions (though I must confess I had not sussed the Mini/ VW car rally would be over by 4:30 - my mistake) and a lively apres - many thanks to the Scooby/ Custard combo here, of which more later - all adds up to a good one. Must admit therefore I was a bit miffed to hear that Thongo would have thought it "Too flat" according to the Fat Controller who we now know is rarely a man of few Wordz.
To start at the beginning, the GM made a dramatic last second entrance to lead the circle on a day that Team RA had left to the fates and received in return a typically chilly Bank Holiday Monday.
The early path through a back garden, past the tennis court, is a first for me and possibly Private Parts too, for he proceeded to buy two massive falsies, including falling at one into the dusty, stoney footpath. No matter for he recovered to lead the pack as they doubled back to a Play Check. And we know how much H5 like a play check (it's "quite a lot" as it goes).
All this time Scooby was diligently setting about his task of turning the Forking Shirt into a real Hashit: and what a great job he did. So much so it is credit to Custard for going within smelling distance of it, when awarded for hash-striptease, let alone wearing it on skin. She will surely go down in the annals.
On from the playground into Knebworth Park, and with the rally finished we virtually had the place to ourselves. Time then for Double Entry to steal Forking's pen and stick behind Capt F's ear before running off with Dogger's mutt. And for Submissive to remove half a hawthorn hedge from her mutt's bum before finding the ON INN.
Then it got a bit confusing. Not only did we have to decide which ale to drink, and which of Lady P's fine scones to eat but also to decipher RA Forking's down-downs. Only Forking knows and that's the way we like him.
We had a gang in the circle for anniversaries, Wordz default, wedding receptions and the produce thereof. And then mug-rustler DE, plus Scooby, Capt F and your very own Count were pronounced guilty of something, though what the latter three innocents could have done is beyond me.
For some reasons Gorjoyce and Skidmark joined Custard who followed up her hashit triumph with a deca award, and Pecker received the FRB award for constantly being the first back at the numbered checks.
And so it was that 986 came to an end in rather pleasant sunshine with the words "OnOn to the Rose and Crown at Tewin" closely followed by "a pint of Black Dog please".
THE COUNT |
Pecker, keen to earn that FRB award
Only Forking knows .....
Loadsa good Apres, that's the key
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Scooby first carefully washed the hashit in a local pool: then it was dust-dried and rinsed before traditional boot-ironing and the final tyre-pressing |
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Run No 985
Monday 24 May 2010
Live & Let Live, Pegsdon
Hares: Kisses Anytime & The Fat Controller
HASHERS: 24 MUTTS: 4 |
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Forking good security at the big house
On up, on down to a .....
.... welcome beer stop
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The Grand Ol' Fat Controller
He had four and twenty Hashers
He cajoled them up to the top of the hills
And he chased 'em down again
As they went up they spread out
And as they went down they fell down
And when they were only halfway there
A beer stop was Down-down'd
I’ve just read the mismanagement committee page on the website only to see that Count Roadkill is the nominated scribe, so why did he willingly let me volunteer to scribe my own trail? [you're off on a dodgy trail there FC my old china ....Ed] Importantly, and more to the point, why didn’t our esteemed GM Private Parts, with all his testosterone inflamed potency, correct the situation? Or was it because he is emasculated due to losing the GM’s Willy?
A gibbous moon hung in the evening sky as the pack assembled at the ‘Live and Let Live’ whose pub sign shows a hawk perched next to its usual prey a pigeon (similar to a Hare and Hound, but friendlier). And so your new Co-hare and Hare were presented by Hash Master Shagpile to the Hounds.
With trepidation, Kisses Anytime and I entered the ‘Circle’. “Tonight the trail will be flat - -.” Before I could elucidate more, shouts of: “Liar, there’s bloody great big hills up there. We ain’t stupid you know!” rang out from the pack as they pointed to the poor excuses for hills on the extreme edge of the Chilterns behind us. “Yes, we did go up there but only to survey all this flat land to the north of us.” I quipped. “Likely story!” came the snorted replies: “Don’t forget he’s the bloody hare and bound to be lying!” Me? Anyway, back to the plot. I continued by saying that there was a Beer Stop, and a ‘knitting circle trail’ under the stewardship of Kisses who was sporting a rucksack with cups and a chilled bottle of white wine in (intended for a quick Knitting Circle soirée at the Beautiful View stop whilst waiting for the main pack), and her favourite silly coloured hash hat. Meanwhile, ‘Hash Masters Nark’ Forking (strangely resembling a spastic version of Douglas Quaid after having his total recall memory erased), stood with pencil and paper in hand ready to note down all the misdemeanours en-trail. |
Entry Entry, Nik Nak, Forking, you're nicked
Shuffle, Knobber, Gorjoyce, you're knobbled
DE takes a photo, but can she give one?
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Next I described the meaning of the examples of trail marks I use, but to my surprise, you are either all rather intelligent or very gullible, no stupid questions were asked. And so I bawled: “ON – ON!”. On trail, the pack headed (who said head?) to the first Check on the Shillington road where a falsie leading to Hexton was quickly found, then on hearing Underlay shouting “On – On” up by the main road, the milling pack struck on to cross the main road and follow Underlay on up the gently sloping trail towards Lilley. On Check at the bottom of Telegraph Hill, two falsies heading up hill were checked, but on the third falsie most of the pack (still convinced the trail was flat) headed west into the sunset, this time ignoring Underlay’s cries of: “On – On”, as she was towed rapidly uphill by her tethered hound.
Having taken a steep short cut just prior to the last lot of crap I’ve written about, Kisses was waiting for us at the holding check at the top of the hill. We all gathered sweatily but had to hold for the now straggling stragglers, Pongo, Pussies Galore and Nik Nak to appear. Again I mentioned that Kisses was taking the Knitting trail, and that perhaps it would be a good idea for the stragglers to go with her. But afraid of being on their own, they decided to slow down the main pack, so Kisses, non-plussed, handed over the rucksack which was duly given to Pongo as punishment. The stragglers were told to keep up, but did they? Did they fork!
It was whilst on trail passing the very expensive Elizabethan manor at Little Offley that Count Roadkill had the rare chance to take a photo of me in ‘full flight’, and then Gorjoyce sidled up to me and said: “I know this place, but I don’t know where I am?” “We’ve just passed Little Offley, and just past the Beer Stop is a place called Wellbury House.” I stuttered, out of breath from ‘full flight mode’. “Oh? Yes, I think I know where I am now? We’ve not used these footpaths before. How did you find them?” she replied still confused, and then muttered on about kids and a previous life - - - -. I went into “full flight mode” again, as even I was getting confused. When another voice cut my concentration. “Now, about this Beer Stop?” It was Roadkill! “Yes, it’s down there where the pack are assembled.” I replied, noting that perhaps this lot were not as bright as I first thought. They were all standing around gassing instead of searching for my cunningly hidden cache of beers. Grinning from ear to ear Roadkill thought he had me, as I got the pack searching on the edge of the wood. “Give us a clue, Fat Controller.” Came a desperate cry. “It’s in a small green rucksack by a tree.” I helpfully replied. “Well? That’s a lot of bloody good! Everything’s green around here.” Eventually, Forking found the cache, and the grin on Road kill’s face vanished as the beer, water and sweets were devoured.
Question: Where were the Pongo stragglers? Answer: Off trail! Arriving just as the beer was being finished; the rucksack was duly opened to reveal to the non-believers the bottle of white wine! Then, “On – On!” was called, and in true hash tradition, the chivalrous hash males left Pussies Galore to carry the empties. Wellbury Hall beckoned, the inquisitive Gorjoyce with heavily laden Pussies Galore in tow were seen duck down the unkempt driveway. Later she told of her disappointment at finding the subject of her fond memories is now just a crumbling holy domain. (Everyone say: “Ahh” Next time you see her)
“How about me? I want to write a bit now!” Whilst Fat Controller has been writing about the stupid goings on to and at the Beer Stop, I wandered along the Icknield Way looking at all the pretty pink flowers, I then made my way across the main road and on to the ‘Beautiful View Stop’ where I had spent a few precious moments the day before whilst F.C. set a particularly nasty back check through the woods. It was lovely and peaceful sitting there daydreaming as I watched the evening sun set behind the pretty pink and orange lit clouds, then I heard the approaching shouts of “On – On!” “Can you please tell us where the trail goes? It’s past our bedtime and we will be told off by our mummies and daddies if we’re not home soon.” The pack leaders sheepishly bleated. Feeling benevolent, I pointed in various directions, and they thundered past me. Zingalonga Max from H4, much to his chagrin, eventually found the ‘T’. Cursing, they all filtered back to take the right option over the bean fields to the On – Inn.
“Me again!” At the pub car park Shagpile and his acolytes were preparing for the ‘Circle’ as Kisses and I arrived. The hash beer was finally carried in by Forking, then taking control Shagpile called Kisses and I in to the ‘Circle’. “What did you think of the two runs we’ve done tonight?” Shag Pile asked. Various comments were returned, especially: “Loved the Beer Stop!” And so we downed our Down-Downs to much applause. There then followed Down-Downs for the usual trumped up misdemeanours as noted on Forking’s aide memoir, and then much jollity about the previous beer fuelled daze boozy stunts in punts the previous day. And so ended a most rewarding day as Count Roadkill was called in for a Down-Down for doubting the Hare!
Twisting the truth about the trail is fair game. But, to tell lies about a Beer Stop? – Never!
ON - ON! Fat Controller
(The original and genuine Mole of Kent , who's still of politically incorrect intent)
Did you know? Number 1. The Little Known Legend of Offa’s Dyke.
The settlements of Great and Little Offley take their names from Offa, the 8th Century King of Mercia.
A little known legend tells that once there lived a fair maiden whose beauty and chastity was known far and wide. However, she had a ‘dark secret’. King Offa heard of her chasteness and decided to chase her.
He arrived at the maiden’s village and started to woo her, but to no avail. Becoming angry at her refusal to his amorous advances he told the village elders that he would order his soldiers to rape and pillage if the fair maiden would not accede to his demand.
Being fearful of their lives and possessions, the village elders pleaded with the fair maiden to submit to Offa’s wishes. Realising the dire consequences if she refused, she gave herself to King Offa, and never gave in to her ‘dark secret’ ever again. Hence came the rhyme:
She offered her honour
He honoured her offer
And all night long - - -
It was honour and offer!
The Pope eventually heard of her great sacrifice, the miraculous curing of her ‘dark secret’ by Offa, and so canonised her. And that, dear readers, is how the local church of St. Mary Magdalene got its name! |
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SEVEN GO APE IN THETFORD:‘Slip into this safety harness’ said the hairy young Go Ape instructor to Forking Dickchair who was well greased up in sun cream. With one leg through this hoop and the other tangled in the collection of attachments and clips that made up this essential bit of kit we were ready. Private Parts wearing his FRB hash harness led the way, but being first up the ladder was inviting hecklers: such as when Lady Pee invited him to put his legs together from her up-shorts viewpoint. Many a crossing between the treetops had to be made, either into cargo rope netting, cable bridges, swinging logs, planks or making a leap of faith down the zip wires. |
The golden rule was to keep attached at all times. ‘Are you attached’ was shouted across the canopy to Gorjoyce. ‘Or are you detached, single and still looking for Mr Right’ teased Forking asking if this was one of the more extreme ways she had tried dating. On a fast downhill cable ride it pays to be facing forward as you start to run in midair. Some got it right, and many such as Count Roadkill and Bangers fell sidelong in the woodchip landing bunkers. After another daunting traverse on the plank bridge Shufflecock took a swinging Tarzan jump towards the cargo net. Failing to secure a grip of the catch-net and after bouncing out, he dangled in midair clutching at the netting as it hung elusively inches away from his fingers. The party of girls behind had the pleasure of pulling the rope and hoiking him back up the hanging line to give his swing some momentum, lest he be left out to dry in the baking sun. At least Shuffle can claim he was pulled. At the finish, as Forking's hat flew off on the final descent of the day, and after receiving banana certificates to certify us as swingers it was Bangers who stole the show as the oldest swinger in town. A post event drink was had at the Golden Hoar [or was it Bore? .. Ed] where they served Timothy Taylors Landlord. As we sat in the pub garden Bangers pulled out a picnic basket packed by Brenda and worthy of Harrods. With Corned Beef sandwiches, Pork Pies, Bananas, crisps and Jaffa Cakes we feasted well into the afternoon as our reptilian like bodies spread over the grass in the blazing sun. I can’t remember the last time we had a day like this’ said Gorjoyce as the mercury nudged 28 degrees. ‘Yesterday’ Private Parts chipped in FDC |
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A well harnessed ape .. The GM hits the cargo net .. Shuffle grinds to a halt .. Lady P high above the spectator
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Run No 984
Monday 17 May 2010
Frog & Rhubarb, Slip End
Hares: Shuffle & Ringer
HASHERS: 16 MUTTS: 1 ANKLE BITERS: 1 NEWBIES: 2 |
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Another new location in the FH5 circuit for Hashers and Hares to learn. It being a glorious warm, sunny evening, the top-rated SureGrip® grooved-tread shoes would not be needed – worn-out slicks would suffice. Eighteen entrants assembled on the starting grid to be briefed by GM PP. Late onto the grid as per was NikNak. Two class novices, Keith and Kay, accomplices of Hare Shufflecock, were introduced and welcomed, after which the Hares issued verbal pace notes and the hunt was on.
Underlay was an early victim of inexperience with the new course, sliding off almost immediately down the road opposite the starting grid, before recovering without incident to rejoin the pack. First to sniff out the OnOn was Capt. Fantaastic, slip-streamed by PP. Right from the start, the scrutineers were suspicious about the fuel PP was using; whatever it was, it definitely gave him an advantage.
After a lengthy stretch of tarmac and stone, it was time to head off-road. Would slicks be up to the task? It not having rained to any significant degree for quite some time, the course did provide sufficient grip. The off-road section arrived at a former pub, The Harrow, now an Indian restaurant. Here some very localised rain seemed to have fallen on an area of only about 1 metre square. It must have been quite heavy though, as it had washed out the held check completely – how odd! A short-cut from here was taken by Legs 11 and our occasional visitor Le Voisin, while the pack continued on another road section of the course. Back off-road, they had to negotiate what must be the narrowest chicane on any of the courses in regular use – a sign reading “Fat bastards keep out” would not have surprised anyone. Just after this point, Hare Ringer was expecting to see Legs and Le Voisin ahead, having rejoined the main circuit, but they were not in sight. A quick telling-bone call to Legs established that she and Le Voisin were both ahead and indeed FRBing, but said Hare had to push on a bit to catch up – puff, puff. |
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Legs takes a call from Grandad
Madge has a Magners
Nik Nak saw off the RA
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The course ventured into the village of Caddington briefly, where track-side flags all proclaimed “No Bushwood”, but he missed 'em as Bushwood hadn't turned up that night [Asst. Scribe: Note to Team RA – must remember Bushwood as a good future Hash name]. Now at its highest point, the course left the village and we soon ventured into a beautiful bluebell-strewn wood. When the Hares attempted a head-count, the Count insisted he was the only one qualified to count, and proved (?) it by counting (?) 11 Hashers and making it 10 – use toes as well Count!
Downhill now to a held check at which, it being 20.20 hrs, a shorter On-Inn was offered, but most of the pack opted for the additional 15-minute fully monty. Passing pub #3, The Plough, the pace notes indicated crossing over the motorway by bridge, before coming along side it, then passing underneath it. A final loop, which did not impress The Count (what does), led to the On Inn proper. Back on the grid in 1hr 10mins for the FRBs (PP and Capt F).
Job done and the sun still shining. Excellent. Where's our beer?
Down-downs (during which RA Rapid got a good soaking at least twice) to:
— Rapid Withdrawal for Hashyversary (I seem to remember a birthday for someone as well)
— Newies Keith and Kay (also sex-after-the-hash comment from Keith about “Oh good, she's having a beer – that means sex tonight”)
— Hares (ah, there it is)
— Ringer for leaving the pack unattended while locating Legs and Le Voisin (there were 2 Hares RA)
— Karmen Suits Ja for arriving in a skirt and raising Forkin's testosterone level (among other things)
— PP for being energetic enough to be caught by 3 number checks, also earning him the Good Craic award
Others, not mentioned elsewhere were Scrummy, Lady P, Double Entry and Bangers.
OnOn to The Live and Let Live next week at Pegsdon
Ringer& Shufflecock |
AnniversRA
Capt F picks up Harriettes
KKnewbies
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Run No 983
Monday 10 May 2010
Strathmore Arms, St Paul's Walden
Hares: Bangers & FDC
HASHERS: 21 MUTTS: 5 ANKLE BITERS: 3 |
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One of those Bluebell Checks
Unpunished Competitivism
Double collects the Cash .... from a Worthy Cause?
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BLUEBELL WORDS
If you are reading these words then you are tuned in to http://www.h5hashers.org.uk.
The Strathmore Arms in St Pauls Walden was the venue for the bluebell hash. There were a great number of hashers and a great many canine followers, Dogger and Submissive soon got out their bondage kit to compare bits they were sharing to keep their dogs close at hand. Lush Big Knickers carried her FRB award well, favouring the feel of the ball in the right hand. The route went out past the local Cheshire Home. Even the knitting circle of Thongo and Legs Eleven both wandering lonely as a cloud, on entering Hitch Wood were greeted by a host of beautiful bluebells. The carpet of English Bluebells (Scilla Tubergeniana) was further appreciated by the short cutters including Lady Pee and Gorjoyce. The hardened runners took off up the hill and over the fields to regroup back at the pub. To ease the current economic crisis Double Entry was allegedly seen collecting for a Greek cause under the ‘Save Laura Fund’. RA Shufflecock awarded the down downs including birthday drinks for both Frau Krafty Rot claiming to be eligible for a bus pass and an even younger Spotted Dick. Private Parts interrupted the RA in full flow only to be pulled into the circle for a dose of down down juice. Where were the Hashit and RAShit awards? At least the good crack award went to FRB Dogger. On on to the Ranarian and Rheum Rhaponticum in Slip End.
Forking Dickchair & Bangers n’ Madge
 Always beware of Team RA |
The Thanker or The Winker?
Frau Birthday Rot
Gorjoyce .. the ORIGINAL Down-Down chucker
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Run No 982
Monday 3 May 2010
Angel's Reply, Hitchin
Hares: Shuffle Cock & PP
HASHERS: 21 MUTTS: 1 ANKLE BITERS: 4 APRES: 2 |
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"Sell Capt F"
Scooby nervous of coming home ...
.... but takes the plunge
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For those of you who went to this run, you may have noticed there were a couple of iffy moments.
1. Initial planning for the run had been to hope for good weather on a May Bank Holiday (hot and sunny), this could allow us to stay outdoors afterwards and enjoy the sun. Thought turned to running from the park in the middle of Hitchin and drinking at The Bedford Arms. Reccing the pub, it proved to sell no good beer, so The Highwayman was picked instead as backup.
2. Letting the hash know the week before that the venue could change if the weather was bad, provided for interesting questions how bad the weather had to be or how sunny the weather should be. Having not determined the appropriate temperature, this was slightly tricky.
3. The weather wasn't good on the day, it was cold, sometimes sunny, mostly cloudly, and hailing, perfect hash weather.
4. Instructions from Screamer about laying a short, no shiggy trail, yeah right.
5. Arrived at The Hagliner to find out that they shut at 3 in the afternoon and opened again at 6. Bugger. Hash was moved to the Angel's Reply and several texts were sent to try and let as many people as possible know. This was greeted with scepticism from Double Entry, anyone would think she doesn't trust us.
6. Gorjoyce turned up an hour early, having forgotten to reset her watch from her holiday.
7. One hare was missing from the start, as he was back in The Hogfather for those that turned up there.
8. Assistant RA was the hare, and no other RA had turned up. So everyone was left to themselves to award down downs. Down downs went to Gorjoyce, Fat Controller, Bell End, Shagpile and many others.
9. Forgot to send the words in (may was well go for the complete set).
I'll be hereby resigning from the post of Chief Screwup, and let somebody competent take over.
On On to St Pauls Walden and the Strathmore Arms next Sunday [I think he's doing it deliberately now .... Ed].
Shuffle Cock Up |
Hungry Hashers eye Madge
No RA = Mass Down-Downs
Gorjoyce goes ape for the Hashit
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We received a warm reception from most of the good folk of Dunstable but Hash Flash has to report an exception
