It looks as if my Campaign to Rejoin the EU (CREU) is running out of steam so I'm hoping for much more success with the Campaign to Relocate Valentine's Day to the Summer (CRVDS). February days, and particularly this February day, are not for Little Red Numbers (LRN). Red Dress Runs (RDR) are stuck near Valentine's Day (VD) and while all hashers acknowledged dress redness, without exception they added layers. One can only imagine how Pecker and Captain F would have graced the Red Carpet (RC) without quite a bit of padding in all the wrong places.
But enough bemoaning of the English weather, we are here to celebrate the finest of English eccentricity as recognised in the annual awards of the British Academy of Loonies and Laughing Stocks.
MOST SUSTAINED ATTEMPT TO DISPLAY MAN BOOBS: A category I thought I had a chance in, but the BALLS were distracted by neither red wig nor beer belly and spotted all the right attributes in Pecker.
MOST CONVINCING EASTERN EUROPEAN: Subby's Cossack outfit, with dance, attracted a "highly commended" from the BALLS but they went for running Albanian peasant woman Underlay.
MISSING THE POINT BY THE GREATEST MARGIN: Knobber's disguise as a member of the US Navy SEAL Team was considered too obvious and the BALLS went for a cardie showing clear if subtle butchness on Bangers n Madge.
MOST SPARKLY DRESS BY A NEWCOMER: the BALLS were unable to separate outstanding twin efforts and, for the first time ever, made a joint award to Felicia and Farkle.
BEST RED OUTFIT ON A DOG: there were a number of, let's be honest, downright derogatory nominations in this category, but the BALLS stuck with the four-legged and found a clear winner in the Adidog dress sported by Oscar.
MORE OF A TOKEN THAN A DRESS AWARD: this category converted the BALLS to CRVDS supporters as they showed their lasciviousness by plumping for the LRN worn over her moist-proof trousers by Double Entry
RED DRESSER MOST PAST HIS (OR HER) SELL-BY DATE: the BALLS apologised for being unable to sift through numerous nominations in time to make the award this year.
COLOUR BLINDNESS AWARD: describing it as "fuschia at best" the BALLS could not see beyond the attire of RA Rapid Withdrawal.
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: despite popular demand one smock has made more appearances on RDR than Forking has had hot cakes, and to mark this occasion the BALLS saw fit to award their highest honour to (fanfare) Shagpile
Academy guests enjoying a snifter and cake selection provided by Lady P (for Charredee of course) were interrupted by a "not on my land" style tirade from Mine Hostess. They should be assured that all is well and that the Landlady is now happy with the BALLS.
ON ON TO SANDY