Run 1188

Sunday 19 January 2014

The White Horse, Eaton Bray

Hares: Fat Controller and Kisses Anytime

HASHERS: 13  MUTTS: 3

Trail data: Length = 5.75km. Shiggy = 4.75km. Shiggy Ratio = 83%.

'Mud, mud – glorious mud.
There's nothing quite like it for cooling the blood
So, follow me - follow; down to the hollow
And there let us wallow in glorious mud!'
Thus, starts, that wonderous song by Flanders & Swann. And so it was for this 'swannsong'.

Our concerns raised from the rigours of the previous day setting the run through sodden ground were confirmed by the low turnout. From the house warming party the night before (where the dining table groaned under the weight of the uneaten goodies of cakes, pies and nibbles) the 'expectants' never materialised (lightweights), but the Circle was cosy! So, sans RA, HM, Nik-Nak, Cause Perdu, Shufflecock and other nameless soles, our jet setting Rapid Withdrawal called "Circle Up!"

One birthday - Rapid's 50th! So, Count Roadkill regaled him with the Hash Birthday Hat! No anniversaries, but two announcements. Ringer said he had received a message from an unknown caller asking for the On out to be marked as he/she was going to be late. I said OK! Cleverly I continued that I'd put a hole in the bag, and then lay a continuous trail! "Nah! Already been done! Forkin' did just that a while ago. Laid the whole trail like it. Three inches wide it was. God knows how much flour he used?" chipped Ringer. So, not wanting to be tarred with the same brush, Kisses took control of the blue bag to put some sense into the forthcumming proceedings. Talking of Forkin' – Bangers announced that his errant offspring would be along later!? 'On On!' was called, and as we sprinted out of the pub car park 5 Baah and mutt screeched in!

The FRBs Rapid and Underlay soon found the trail beside the church heading west onto the rain sodden farmland, and then after checking a falsie, called 'On On' towards the junction of High Street and School Lane. From the holding check beyond the school was where the serious shiggy really started! The trail now headed towards Doolittle Mill, and then left across ploughed fields to a check. It was on this stretch that the 'went to the wrong pub' Edwina 123 and 'the late running' Submissive with Oscar caught us up. All swanned around, wondering which of the three trails to check. A lady dragging her reluctant mutt through the mud was approaching from the left as the falsie straight on was checked, the marks leading to her were being ignored. She was on a particularly deep shiggy path where the previous day I had laid a rather long nasty falsie. Kisses had said that no one would check it out because of the deep puddles. So, imagine the surprise when to my amazement, the lady pipped up as she pointed back; "I've seen more marks up there, if that's what you're looking for?" Underlay and The Count made off towards her, closely followed by the others, all cursing as they struggled through the shin deep shiggy! On finding the X further raucous cursing ensued as they struggled back to the smirking Kisses and me.

"How much did you pay her FC?" I gave no reply! (Best not to spoil pure bliss!) "Good job I decided to wear my wellies!" Said the puffed out Double Entry, as the others kicked huge globs of mud off their trail shoes. Showing no signs of jet lag - Rapid shot off along the only unchecked trail, only to pick up a particularly long falsie in the next field where for some unknown reason, he began to impersonate an aeroplane by running around with his arms outstretched. Curious? Was he trying to get more air miles? Again, dear reader: 'The Curse of Local Knowledge' that constantly haunts me kicked in as I spotted Bangers trying to give the game away by sidling across to where the real trail led on to the nether regions of Totternhoe and the awaiting Forking Dick Chair.

More deep shiggy - where like on Flanders' fields, contracting Trench Foot was a serious possibility and a 'kamikaze' footpath beside a steep sided flooded ditch followed; where one slip could have meant a nasty death by either splitting your difference or drowning! Then it was on to the On - Inn and the warmth of the pub, all except for Oscar who in need of a serious de-shiggying, had to suffer being washed with cold water.

Surrounded by hash totty, The Count was happily counting hash cash, as Ringer was seen talking to the suit of armour that is displayed next to the bar. Kept calling it 'Annie', and patting its helmet?

"Circle Up!" was called, and out we went into an open shed that looked like the stage in 'It Ain't Alf Hot Mum!' Hence the 'comedy of errors' commenced with the cast singing:
(Piano intro: Ding. Ding. Ding de ding ding ding!)
Oh! Meet the gang 'cos H5ers are here, the hash to entertain you
With music and laughter to help you on your way
To raising the rafters with a Hey Hey Hey!
With songs and sketches and jokes old and new
With us about, you won't feel blue
So, meet the gang 'cos H5ers are here
The hash to entertain you!
H5, H5 H5 H5ers
The hash to entertain you!
(Land of hope and glory, mother of the free)

Act One: 'Assembling scattered big Jenga Blocks into a 'table' for the Down - Downs': By: Forkin' The Prosthetic RA.

Act Two: 'The Hare and Co-hare's down - downs':

Act Three: 'An Oriental Sexual Encounter 'Soixante Neuf' Style': By our Prestigious Rapid Withdrawal Using his recently acquired 'oriental skills of hash coercion' he inveigled Underlay to lay on the stage and placed a glass of beer between her feet. Then picking on Forkin', made him straddle Underlay by her hips with his head facing her feet. Next he had to kneel down and without using his hands attempt to drink the beer whilst Underlay tried stuffing a Jenga Block up his jacksie! (Much applause, and cheering!)

Act Four: 'An Oriental Sexual Encounter 'Doggie' Style': By our Prestigious Rapid Withdrawal This time, using his recently acquired 'oriental skills of hash coercion' he inveigled Forkin' to lay on the stage and placed a bowl of water between his feet - - - censored ---- Oscar - - -- - -- - censored - - - shag - - - - - - panting!

Act Five: 'The Dominatrix and the Dominated': Submissive and Count Roadkill. CENSORED! (You will have to ask who was who!)

Act Six: 'The Great Cake Eating Contest.' Shufflecock, Frau Krafty Rot and Skippy (unfortunately due to wimpy circumstances this Act failed to turn up, but perhaps they are now more 'heavyweight' than 'lightweight')

A message to all you 'lightweights' out there! See what great fun you've missed! Jollity and fun size entertainment at its best! On a Sunday – and all for two quid!

ON - ON! Fat Controller

How Underlay Did 1188