Sunday 20 October 2013
The Rose and Crown, Trowley Bottom
Hares: Fat Controller and Nik Nak
HASHERS: 18 MUTTS: 2 H4 CLONES: 4
The Tale of the Transcendental Trowley Bottom Trail
New HM an instant hit with Hariettes
FC daren't fail to have a beer stop
The 4 H4 Clones
The evening before at the annual Hash Mismanagement Erections and mind-wracking Quiz, the new Hash Mantra of "Erm? Erm? – Erm? Beer!" was first stuttered by Private Parts as he frantically tried to calm his nerves after being asked a particularly hard question. This utterance boded well for my co-hare Nik-Nak and I. The fruits of our labour whilst defining a new rite of passage were now truly blessed to bind soles to bodies, soles to the earthly plane, and – soles to eternal time, thus, by suffering, locked in a cycle of re-birth – transcend into a state of perfect bliss, attained by the extinction of individuality (more later!).
Rapid Withdrawal had warned me that the 'heavenly ether' was predicting we would have pilgrims from afar visit us. Was I bothered? No! And so it was that the first pilgrim to arrive from H4 was Sludge in his chariot, to be followed by four of his tonsured acolytes; the heavily camouflaged Paxo, then Mr. X with My Little Spermhead and bringing up the rear – the inimitable Hyena. The last three had cum by 'Omm'–nibus! But, what was their nefarious purpose for 'crashing' our trail? Was it just laziness, or had they been surfing our website and become envious of our bevvy of harriettes – especially our new boot (more later!).
Re-erected as HM – Capt. F called Circle Up! Then in his inimitable way – regaled us with arse related punctuations because we were running from Trowley BOTTOM! (He's got a thing about bottoms!?) Then our relegated RA Depth Charge took charge. He was praised for making sure there was no rain, then Nik-Nak and I lied through our teeth in true hash tradition, and so it was On-On!
H5 spread across the Herts countryside
Shagpile caught with the usual moby excuse
Shiny 50 Run Award for Kisses
Underlay was the first to go astray, as the rest of the pack piously took on the rigours of Pietley Hill. Up to the first check, the craftily laid 'diversion' through Scratch Wood was not picked up, and so on to Yewtree Spring Wood where Count Roadkill and the other FRBs emerged from the wood after missing the 'T' by the 'R-Yew', then after skirting up the side of the wood they all re-entered through brambles and a barbed wire fence, much to my amusement, just three yards from where the trail exited!
Although this run was riddled with religious significance, the Beer Stop at Teakettle Wood was far from teetotal! Forking eventually found the cashe, and so the holy libations were toped as an old hash hymn sung by the Choir bought tears to many an eye. Leroy with his mud-coated mutt blew 'Gabrielle's Horn' – and with the H4 pilgrims now the FRBs – the pack headed (who said 'head'?) off to the next holding check by Puddephat's Farm. It was here that I warned 'you' that the toped libations would now be affecting 'your' equi-librium, as 'we' are now approaching Nirvana!
"I know where Nirvana is!" blurted an excited Bangers. "We're on part of a trail I laid a while ago". "Merde!" I thought. "That's all I need – a bloody hasher with 'local knowledge'! 'Check it Out!' was called. Kisses Anytime with Atomic Titten and an injured Forkin' took the Knitting Circle trail. Inadvertently, Bangers had prematurely attained my planned 'extinction of individuality', as the rest of the pack sheepishly followed him on-trail to Greenlane Wood. Nirvana was now in sight, but FRBs Capt. F and Rapid never reached it as they ignored my guidance to head right (who said 'head'?) however, Bangers led all to 'Nirvana' where the new Hash Mantra 'Erm? Erm? – Erm? Beer!' was chanted in true hash style. (My version of 'extinction of individuality'.) Then, before "Check it Out!" could be hollered, Bangers – like Moses shouted; "I know where it goes!" and struck out into the wilderness! Many others followed, but heeding both Nik-Nak's and my guidance kept the 'wellied' Double Entry and Gorjoyce with us. As we approached the 'On-Inn', Rapid appeared, and as we made our way back to the pub a number of idiots were seen crossing an open field towards us. Who was in the lead? None other than Bangers with Madge and Sludge at heel!
Back at the pub we were all treated to excellent ale in the form of Otter, and a wonderful selection of sandwiches and saveloy chunks kindly given by Tracy the Landlady. What a Star! What a pub!!
Some of the Down – Downs:
And what excuse was given by Shufflecock, Frau Krafty Rot, Skippy, Private Parts and Happy Snaps for not attending this transcendental experience? They too (by moving home) were transcending into a 'new state of blissful living'? Where was Spunk Bubble? Had she sussed H4? They are forgiven.
Erm? Erm? – Erm? Beer! Karma Chameleon.
[With the scrummy grub and excellent beer at £2.50 a pot, perhaps we had reached Nirvana after all: Dep Scribe]