Were you to read Capt F's public profile on Gaydar, you would discover that he is partial to Key Lime Pie, likes to listen to Alicia Keys, is planning a holiday to Key West and lists his second favourite film as Key Largo – second only to last year’s Posh Nosh "I live in a shed" epic. He clearly has a thing about keys, and if you were to cast your mind back to Run 771 in June 2006, you would understand where it all started. This was the first time that a fresh-faced hasher, we will call him "Dave", visited H5 and was inspired not to come again for several months on the basis that a madman called Capt F had locked himself out of his car. A similar story was to evolve six years later on Run 1122 in November 2012.
After a full week of Hashing including both New Moon and Parasitic it was time for Rapid and Capt F to focus once again on the main event of setting a trail for H5. Being of the somewhat lazy persuasion, we decided to recycle a recent TNM Hash and hope that nobody who had run it before would be arsed to turn up. That strategy failed as Underlay arrived, but partially worked with PP who had no idea where the trail went, or indeed what day it was. "I've just got a cat" he whispered as he claimed to be a pussy magnet.
Tired legs meant that it took a while setting, especially as we had to stop for a sit down every few minutes, but eventually, and with only getting lost once, we started back to the pub. We attracted the attention of two separate "girls" in Audis (Hash Mum and DE) (clearly a little grey hair entices them to pull over and talk to unusual panting men - Edwina, calm down !), one of whom kindly took Capt's bag to the pub. Next time it may be prudent to think ahead Capt... !
We circled in the sunshine and old mutton chops the RA called the circle to order. With DE and Mekon both having reached retirement age, the problem of who to give the Birthday Hat to was solved by The Count, "I left it at home" he muttered.
We started with a lady’s check and sent everybody off in the wrong direction, before heading out, up somebody’s drive and past the Old Mill. A few number checks were deployed to keep the pack together before we regrouped at the top of the hill with views across Bedfordshire, most noticeably Sharpenhoe Clappers.
At this point Capt F owned up. We had set a 'MK' check, where, MK stood for Mister Kipling, outside of Capt’s house. The cakes and mulled wine were safe in his kitchen, and the keys were equally safe in the back of Double Entry’s car. Complex interactions followed and DE’s keys were retrieved from Depth Charge so that Capt F could run back to the pub and then on to his house to retrieve the cakes. In the meantime, I would run with the pack and make sure they all safely found their way to the cakes. Fail. Not only was the pack convinced to run after the rapidly diminishing Capt F, but also they ignored a bar by the stream, losing CRK, Zebedee and Depth Charge. Then after we had passed under the A507 we also lost Leroy and Edwina who disappeared into the undergrowth together.
On Up to a Held Check ...
... with Beds spread below us
Zebedee needs bodyguards for his
gleaming 50 Run Tankard
Finally we all made it through the school and back to the MK check for mince pies and stolen cake (oh no it wasn’t, Capt F paid for it – let that be a reminder it is Adult Panto time soon, see PP). Then back to the pub, through the woods, passing the new erection that made Nik-Nak and judging by the picture, Edwina, very excited.
The circle was called, the birthdays celebrated and the hares rewarded for their efforts. Depth Charge then addressed his homilophobic flock. Down Downs to the 2 'Doggers' Leroy and Edwina, a shiny tankard for Zeberdee and the return of lost property to the key hare. Even Lost Cause was seen to smile or was it a grimace as Submissive told him off for not writing between the lines.
So that’s it from me. Just remember next time you see Capt F, ask him if he has his keys...his tankard...his pirate flag...his plastic ribs...and so on.
Take a pause, check THE ROUTE, then read - in the red corner - Capt F's version.
After no discussion and seconds of meticulous planning, it was agreed that the route would be the tried and tested one from Capt F's last New Moon hash, but with maybe a few subtle variations.
I am 100% hashed out after a week that included run MCXI (Mekon’s ...), following by TNM H3 run 111 on Tuesday, the fifth (or maybe 6th) H5 parastitic run on Saturday and laying and haring run 1122 yesterday.
On the bright side, there was a pretty good turnout, the pub had some pretty decent Potton Breweries beer and the weather was cracker dacker.
It was also a weekend of mistakes. I forgot my hash trail shoes on the parasitic run, so I had to run in my recently procured very expensive new(ish) trainers. These were very muddy at the end of the run and had to be rinsed down as soon as I got home (sulk).
The 2nd mistake was deciding to offer stolen bites (yum yum), mince pies and some very warming mulled wine mid-way through the run. Everything was purchased in plenty of time and laid out so it could be prepared with ease.
So the plan was proceeding along all tickety-boo until the point in time that I asked Double Entry if she would look after my kit bag [bit lah-di-dah for a hasher methinks ... ed] until the end of the run. She agreed and so I handed over the kit bag along with my house keys which were tucked away in the side pocket.
Edwina admires Capt F's erection ...
... before coming out with Leroy
(we were in Campton)
Birthdays for the twins
This was a disssaaaaasterdaaaarrrling (been watching too much strictly for those in the know) as it meant I had no way of getting at my vituals (damn and blast). Oh well the show has to go on.
The start of the run was pretty uneventful with the usual mix of ladies checks, vet. checks, slippery old mud (it has rained an awful lot recently), and the usual plethora of numbered checks.Fairly early on in the run, I found myself running just behind Mekon (who has recently celebrated a milestone birthday) and alongside Underlay. Madge was running up and down the line at a phenomenal pace and It was at this point that I commented on the fact that she does rather well for an "old girl" (meaning Madge) and Underlay said "she’s not that old you know" (meaning Mekon). This simple misunderstanding led to quite a confusing dialogue, but in retrospect was quite funny. I have a sneaky suspicion that Underlay knew exactly what I was on about and was just being a bit mischievous. [much mention of hariettes; was tarzan away? ... ed]
The pack was mostly kept together by the perspicacious use of number checks, the most gratifying of which was the one half way up a steep hill as we approached Meppershall, which caught the repeat FRB offenders Zebedee and Depth Charge.
At the top of the hill, we all waxed lyrically about the superb view as we looked over Clophill, Campton, Chicksands, Shefford and even the Clappers in the far distance.
I don’t have much more to say about the actual run, as I only partook of the first half, This was due to the fact that, mid-way through, I decided to execute an about turn and go back to the pub in order to extricate my keys from Double’s car and then run on to my place in order to prepare the nibbles and mulled wine.
Once home, I made hasty preparations and finished with time to spare. There must have been some sort of a hold up as the pack was no-where in sight. Eventually (some 10-15 minutes later) the pack arrived, but minus Leroy and Edwina.
Everyone appeared to relish the opportunity to rest for a bit and partake of the offered nourishment, but all things must come to an end and shortly after Leroy & Edwina made a late entry [that's enough gay inuendo for one week ... ed], it was time to set off again.
The final leg (not Forking's impressive third leg) took us through the woods and past Captain F's impressive (nay massive) erection as it was subsequently referred to.
The circle was all a bit of a blur for me. The lovely birthday twins (Mekon & Double Entry) got a celebratory down-down. I got one for some sort of misdemeanour (I have no idea what). Rapid Withdrawal got his just deserts for losing two hashers, but he hardly looked very contrite for a haring capital offence. Maybe the word smith can fill in some of the gaps.
It was great to see that Movember has been embraced so whole heartedly by the hash and I hope that Fanuary is equally well supported (blame Sarah Millican for this rather amusing portmanteau). If you don’t mind excusing the pun, it cracked me up.
El Capitain & Rapid Withdrawal [as you said Capt "after no discussion..."]
On-on to run 1123 brought to you by Knobber from The Three Horseshoes in Norton