Run 1031

6 March 2011

The Lynmore, Sharpenhoe

Hares: Fat Controller & Kisses Anytime

HASHERS: 26  NEWBIE: 1  RETURNEE: 1  ANKLE BITERS: 3  MUTTS: 3  APRES: 1

THE 'ALLO 'ALLO! TRASH
At last the old current bun sun was shining on the righteous, gathering at The Lynmore, Sharpenhoe. First on the scene was Captain Fantaaastic, then the co-hare and hare arrived and shepherded the 'flockers' into a herd to hear the RAs ministrations, what surprises awaited?
A 'new boot' had appeared! "Count Roadkill! Step into the Circle please. Can you please explain to the pack the serious misdemeanour you made when you received this new boot's email?" Rosie cheeked with embarrassment Count Roadkill stuttered: "When I saw the name Yvette, I thought she was a French porn star peddling her wares. How was I to know?" Misty eyed, all the testosterone fuelled males sighed: "Oh! Yvette!"
Then birthday boy Lost Cause was called in and awarded the Birthday Hat, and finally the hares.
The mystical blue runes were explained, then knowing that the pack was expecting a hill filled trail ahead, Fat Controller whipped it into a frenzy: "Do we like hills!" he ranted many times. "Yes, we like hills!" the pack chanted back. Then F.C. countered: "There are no hills! And, the trail goes that way." As expected, the believers set off in The Clappers direction. The disbelievers just milled around until the FRBs called "On On!" towards the O at Moleskin.
On trail to the Sundon headlands (who said "head"?) O a strange blue tracksuit clad figure with a blue woolly hat pulled tightly down to his sunglasses loped into our domain. Ringer told F.C. he was a long absent H5 hasher, but F.C. didn't catch his name 'cos he was watching the pack go through a five bar gate.
Here was the parting of the trails for the Knitting Circle; the true trail now went up the escarpment to the brambles, blood and falsies waiting in the hill top woods. If you want to hear Count Moriarty's version of the song I was singing as we went through the brambles this is the link.
It was whilst climbing said escarpment F.C. noticed that Submissive must suffer from chronic incontinence.  She had what looked like a collapsible commode and a packet of tissues strapped to her back which she had tried to hide under her jacket. Poor thing, she also has trouble with Max's excretia, so I must ask Kisses Anytime to get her some suitable incontinence pads to bolster her decorum in future.
Across the ridge three Os had been laid, the first led over a stile onto a narrow slippery path through a snagging thicket where much wailing and gnashing of teeth was heard as the nasty brambles let blood. But in addition to the hardships, and against all hash tradition, blatant acts of chauvinistic chivalry were made by Private Parts and Ringer as they helped Scrummy Dumps, Gorjoyce, Double Entry, Frau and Lady P through the dangers of the thickets!
At the second O half the pack set off on a X, missed the mark and ran on for a good 300 yards before realising there were no marks. (I think they might have been misled by the spoof map I had surreptitiously dropped, which was picked up by Nik Nak. Hee hee!)
The third was a HOC. Here, boinging patiently was Zebedee. "Where's the rest of the FRBs?" I asked. "Oh! They thought the Beer Stop might have been up here, so they've all buggered off to find it." he replied. By now Gorjoyce had arrived and was waiting at the top of some steep steps, and voices from the lost tribe were drawing closer. Forking led the lost tribe in, and shouted "Check it out!" "Shall I check down there?" Gorjoyce wistfully offered. "Please yourself! I don't think I would!" snorted Forking who then headed off on a falsie.
Zebedee, who had seen the FRBs take the trail, shouted "On On!", and from the escarpment the FRBs could be seen sweeping majestically across the plains with Capt. F in the van, on to the Beer Stop.
Whilst all this fantastic fabricated trash from paragraph 5 was going on, the Knitting Circle had been safely shepherded to the Beer Stop, where the beer and crisps were found and made ready.
In the near distance The Clappers could be clearly seen and conversations gravitated to guessing where the trail was to go as the beer and crisps rapidly disappeared. Bangers was absolutely stone bonk certain that it would go to the right, but dear reader, imagine his language when Shagpile and Capt. F came back from the Xs to the right! Then the air turned blue, as Zebedee called 'On On!' trail left to Sundon. The air turned a darker blue when the trail turned right towards Harlington. "Thank god I'm not bowling this afternoon." He muttered as he and mutt Madge stumbled in the deep shiggy on the nasty long loop that led to a OO (girlie check) on the road only a few hundred yards right from the Beer Stop.

From there the pack spread out and nothing of consequence happened until we got to the next HOC where seated on bench by a romantic bubbling brook Capt. F was snapped in 'a threesome' with Underlay and Submissive, both in varying states of undress! It was Count Roadkill who took the photographic evidence. For his porn file - perhaps?
Then it was on past a gutless farmer sitting in his 4x4 who watched afraid as we traipsed across his precious sodden field to the sodden 'On Inn'.
Circle - Up! All piled out of the pub into the car park and Hash Matress Scrummy Dumps took charge. Capt. F stepped in and introduced his new initiative 'The Grand Master's Spot' which because 'we' are hashers he had shortened to 'The G Spot' (very droll- but clever). He called in his 'little helpers' who weakly (weekly?) grease the smooth running wheels of H5. Down Downs awarded to Double Entry and Submissive for Hash cashing and to Roadkill for snaps and gaffs. Then it was over to 'Team RA' and the usual trumped up charges except for:
A welcome 'Allo 'Allo! Down Down was given carte blanche to Yvette [Carte-Blanche] for joining our comfy hash. Has she got a hash handle? This chick from Chicksands has run with exotic hashes before. Lush; you have a callipygous rival!
Un rebonjour 'Allo 'Allo! Down Down given to Five Baah for his surprise return to the H5 fold.
Family G-String should have been awarded Down Downs for successfully completing the Knitting Circle trail. Must be 'a first' for them this year!
Ringers:
Arthur Haynes: for being a dead ringer of a short, fat, moustachioed, white haired old comic.
Linda Five Baah: for being a dead ringer of Fat Controller's old neighbour Linda, in Kent.
Hash Awards:
FRB Ball and Chain rightfully awarded to Captain Faaantaastic.
Hash Shit awarded by Skippy to Shufflecock for being 'evil'.
ON - ON!
Arthur Haynes.

p.s. Kisses Anytime and Fat Controller are pleased to announce the imminent arrival, in the not too distant future, of Mini F.C.
Hares: Fat Controller, Kisses Anytime
Pack: Capt. F., Ringer, Count Roadkill, Lady Penelope, Rapid Withdrawal, Private Parts, Forking Dick Chair, Underlay, Shagpile, Bangers, Lost Cause, Zebedee, Shufflecock, Five Baah, Gorjoyce, Double Entry, Frau Krafty Rot, Yvette, Kriszta, Scrummy Dumps, Nik Nak & Submissive.
Knitting Circle: G-String, Skidmark, Grace, Emily, Skippy, Atomic Titten & Karmen Suits Ja.
Hash Mutts: Madge, Max & Five Baah Mutt.
Apres: Linda Five Baah