SEVEN GO APE IN THETFORD: "Slip into this safety harness" said the hairy young Go Ape instructor to Forking Dickchair who was well greased up in sun cream. With one leg through this hoop and the other tangled in the collection of attachments and clips that made up this essential bit of kit we were ready. Private Parts wearing his FRB hash harness led the way, but being first up the ladder was inviting hecklers: such as when Lady Pee invited him to put his legs together from her up-shorts viewpoint. Many a crossing between the treetops had to be made, either into cargo rope netting, cable bridges, swinging logs, planks or making a leap of faith down the zip wires.

The golden rule was to keep attached at all times. "Are you attached" was shouted across the canopy to Gorjoyce "Or are you detached, single and still looking for Mr Right" teased Forking asking if this was one of the more extreme ways she had tried dating. On a fast downhill cable ride it pays to be facing forward as you start to run in midair. Some got it right, and many such as Count Roadkill and Bangers fell sidelong in the woodchip landing bunkers. After another daunting traverse on the plank bridge Shufflecock took a swinging Tarzan jump towards the cargo net. Failing to secure a grip of the catch-net and after bouncing out, he dangled in midair clutching at the netting as it hung elusively inches away from his fingers. The party of girls behind had the pleasure of pulling the rope and hoiking him back up the hanging line to give his swing some momentum, lest he be left out to dry in the baking sun. At least Shuffle can claim he was pulled. At the finish, as Forking's hat flew off on the final descent of the day, and after receiving banana certificates to certify us as swingers it was Bangers who stole the show as the oldest swinger in town. A post event drink was had at the Golden Hoar [or was it Bore? .. Ed] where they served Timothy Taylors Landlord. As we sat in the pub garden Bangers pulled out a picnic basket packed by Brenda and worthy of Harrods. With Corned Beef sandwiches, Pork Pies, Bananas, crisps and Jaffa Cakes we feasted well into the afternoon as our reptilian like bodies spread over the grass in the blazing sun. I can't remember the last time we had a day like this - said Gorjoyce as the mercury nudged 28 degrees. "Yesterday?" Private Parts chipped in

A well harnessed ape

The GM hits the cargo net

Shuffle grinds to a halt

Lady P high above the spectator