Scatter and bake under a moderate sun
Allow to sit in a shady place
Add triple measure of newbees
If it were possible to prepare and serve a typical H5 Hash - and I feel sure Thongo would have said this had the HM (in the mischievous form of Shagpile) invited him to put forward an opinion on the subject - then perhaps 1009 would be close to that non-existent dish. I feel obliged to share with you the recipe, lest you should ever need to replicate.
Carefully select a well-stocked, plump but not fresh pub set in a portion of recently manured English countryside which should be sprinkled with plain flour some 24 hours before serving. Portion should be large but not too large for Scrummy Dumps to find the pub should she take the trouble to get out of bed. Wake the pub landlord shortly after daybreak on a Sunday and leave him and the pub to marinate for one hour.
Take two jugged hares (or if jugged not available hung-over will do), one dozen free-range (wishing they were newly-laid) hashers, one Ringer (do not remove nightie), a well-covered Geordie with a heavily pregnant missus and a child with the family brains (let's call them G-Strings), an angry-looking but harmless mutt and a harmless-looking but angry ankle-biter. Arrange in a circle. Break the hashers and grate the Ringer, G-Strings, mutt and ankle-biter by explaining hash signs, then scatter widely on the freshly manured English countryside. Do not try to mix the ingredients, it is quite clear they will not combine.
Add newbees to taste - this week we were looking for a strong flavour and went for a triple measure, Jas, Amun and Rebecca. It worked well adding much needed life, tasty brains and a pre-oiled if not yet moist harriette.
Bake under a moderate sun for just over an hour - or until Submissive turns the colour of beetroot and puts on Michelin Man's coat - occasionally removing from the sun and allowing to stand (or even sit) in a shady place. Try to stop Underlay from boiling over and running away, although this may not be possible. Allow to cool.
Add the baked concoction to the pub with the now marinated landlord, and gently infuse with real ale pouring slowly at first. Arrange in a circle. Continue ale addition, gradually increasing the tempo using out-of-date supermarket beer, tipping rapidly and whisking with a sharp RA, ensuring glasses are emptied in one and accompanied by incantation (there is no logic to this but it's the way your granny told you to do it and it does seem to work). The ankle biter if Skippy may be a little too feisty at this point and best removed to a cool side plate. Throw beer over the mutt.
Serve with spicy samosas and Lady P's secret recipe scones followed by a couple of browned-off old birds grilled separately.
All are well complimented by a vintage tippler: we went for a Chateau Forking - 150 runs old, though it seemed older in some ways, and beautifully presented with a blue bag.
ON ON TO THE LITTLE CHEF AT TODDINGTON
THE GALLUMPING GOURMET
Ensure Geordie has brains
Always use a sharp RA
Forking beautifully presented