(Hum the Star Trek theme tune)
Captain Slog. Stardate: 20100509 Starship USSless 'All Seeing Eye'
Venue: Geo-stationary orbit over The Globe - Dunstable Nebula.
H5 Episode 1001. The Marks of 'Alien' Life Forms.
Dawn. The first Sunday morning run of the autumn.
The crops ready for harvest in the fields below showed no sign of alien 'crop circle' visitations, but for the natives; on the pavements and footpaths alien circles and marks had mysteriously appeared. Outside The Globe, the same marks, except one, had also strangely appeared: the descriptions known only to the aliens that made them, too boot: the easily led Kisses Anytime and the nefarious Fat Controller! The latter has been known to Hash High Command, and my mission has been to keep a keen eye on him and his sidekick that they maintain true hash tradition on this his new theatre of operations.
Visiting 'boots' Le Voisin and a 'super fit looking' Limp [shurely shome mishtake here .. ed] were the first to be greeted by the Hares, closely followed by many of the usual miscreants still looking surprisingly fit after the successful debauchery of the previous weekend. Unusual, there was a dearth of RAs. Then, Bangers 'n' Madge arrived. "Blimey! This is where the front door of my old butcher's shop used to be." He quipped. "And just over there" - pointing to an imagined space beyond the new wall, "that's where I used to make the sausages." countered Forking Dickchair. (Cripes! All this local history! What value for money, all for the price of the subs --)
Shagpile on my tele-pathetic command, nominated Ringer as 'Secret RA', and the Hares were called in to the 'Circle' to describe the trail ahead. (Who said "head"?) F.C. explained: "Today's trail will take you around the wonderful sights of Dunstable, chalk cliffs that remind me of home, and three islands for you to enjoy. You will also encounter the sites of two alien life forms, the second marked 'Here be Aliens' could prove a rare photo shoot. The marks? There is a V for 'beautiful view stop', and an O is a Check. The X, laid after 2 marks, is a back to check. The T is a false trail, so check back on each mark for the trail. However, Kisses suffered a slight cock-up! Kisses, please describe." Flushed with excitement (or embarrassment), she explained: "Unfortunately, I laid an X where I should have laid a T. So instead of trying to rub the X out, I've made it look like a fairy wand." (Gisbert - help us)
At this point Lady P was still fannying about trying to have a pee, and the late cumming G-String and Skidmark were hastily extracting the amazing Grace from the clutches of their chariot. No sign of White Rabbit - who had sworn 'on her deathbed' [can thish be true ...ed] to Kisses Anytime that she would attend for the 'knitting circle' trail.
On - On! was called, and most of the running pack leapt off in the vague direction indicated except for Count Roadkill - disbelieving the hare he leapt off in the opposite direction (not for the first time as happened). After a bit of cajoling the trail was found, and soon after two short alleyways: on the first check, three FRBs caught a fish hook. A word that rhymes with 'mustard' was muttered as they passed the now chuckling hare.
Bangers n Madge outside his Butcher Shop
Skippy points out herds of wildebeest
sweeping majestically through
the Bedfordshire countryside
The aliens are among us
The boulevards of Beecroft beckoned as a confused Ringer failed to call "On - On" after finding the third (this time blue) mark. Realising his mistake, he called and the pack thundered back from the back checks, and off towards Maidenbower. The fish hook on check at Brewers Hill sent four FRBs back, leaving Ringer and Bangers to check out. Ringer won, and the trail led onto a construction site and playing fields was front run by Underlay to a T. F.C. held the stragglers as the advance pack spread out over the playing field.
Only Underlay checked each mark. "Are these the chalk cliffs?" Double Entry enquired as Underlay was coaxed onto the blue trail over the excavated chalky mounds to the unwelcome first 'alien' site. No trail through there! Also, no check! However the term 'Great Expectations' came to mind.
Not finding any marks through the pikey shite, Bangers recounted his youth "This is where the 'Skimpot Flyer' used to run", so all decided that because F.C. is an 'anorak' the trail would OBVIOUSLY go down the old railway cutting. No! Called back, they milled around until The Count decided to act by leaping off left towards the council rubbish dump despite the chalk arrow in front of him which incidentally Le Voisin had spotted but chose to ignore!
On the 'cliff edge' trail the Knitting Circlers could be seen in the distance. Reaching the 'beautiful view stop' all, including the (super fit looking?) Limp took turns to gaze at the beautiful view. Shagpile was captivated by the beautiful view of the white cliffs and the natives fishing in the fetid green-tinged lagoon for shopping trolleys and old tyres. Never one to miss a photo shoot, Roadkill enticed Skippy ever nearer to the cliff edge ---much to mummy Frau Kraft Rot's horror. (And we thought he loved children?!) [not according to the terms of my bail ... CRk]
Again, Bangers returned to his youth. "Down there used to be a narrow gauge railway that took the chalk in little wagons to an overhead gantry where they were hauled up and carried over the road to the limekilns. Of course, today the chalk is mixed into a slurry and pumped for miles in underground pipes to the kilns." You lot are so lucky! Such technical knowledge! What value for money, and all for the price of the subs - -) I could see F.C. was getting overly excited and so, using my tele-pathetic powers, moved the pack on towards the rigours of Houghton Regis.
The alleys of Houghton did prove difficult, with the FRBs shortcutting, and a fish hook that sent five FRBs including Private Parts way back. Taking the lead, Shagpile checked out the alley where Kisses had laid her 'fairy wand'. Guess what? He missed it! Reminded by F.C. he took another look to call "On - On" down a dingy alley to a Holding Check by the church. Then disaster! On reaching the 'fairy wand'; its magic turned Private Parts into a blind alley. He and a few ardent stragglers were never seen again!
And so, fed up with holding, "Check It Out" was bawled and the pack headed onto The Green where Max - in his stride, majestically towed Submissive past the pack towards the park gates and the trail beyond. Having caught a fleeting glimpse of PP at the hold, the guilt ridden F.C. set out to find the lost soles, but despite his gallant rescue attempt, he failed.
Secret RA nabs Karman
Capt F toys with the GM's Willy
Double's legal team argue
for increase in child support
Meanwhile, the trail across the park was a doddle as the pack dawdled on only to be met by Count Roadkill, Ringer and Capt. Faantastic who had managed to extricate themselves from the alleys. However, finding the hole in the fence just down from a T, proved difficult and Kisses had to shepherd the flock through the hole past the "Danger Barbed Wire" sign into the trading estate and on to the 'Here Be Aliens' check. I think the Count's photos speak for themselves, as it is obvious that someone said: "Oh! Bugger the aliens - - - !" And before she/he could continue, Capt. Faantastic had gone off to do just that! (I wonder if Tarzan is aware of his penchant?) More worrying is that others followed!
Your very pleasant GM Private Parts opened the 'Circle' in the al fresco pub ash tray (the mystified smoking on-lookers looked on) followed by the erudescent Shagpile who asked: "What would Pongo have made of this run had he bothered to turn up?" "Urban-ish and a bit Dunstable-ish." came the concurred reply. Fair enough!
Down - Downs:
- The Hares.
- Capt. Faantastic for Skippy abuse. (Bugger the aliens! What mental damage has it done to them?)
- Karman Suits Ja for criticising Ringer's 'performance': "Schneller, schneller" (Faster, faster) she'd said!
Shagpile for Technologyism i.e. using his mobile on the run. (He was only trying to help family G-String as they had unfortunately got lost after an unscheduled 'pit stop'.)
- Bangers for joining the 'Flying Club'.
- Kisses awarded with her 10 Runs mug.
And so the Hash ended, and all retired back to the bar to sample the excellent range of real ales on offer in the fine establishment known as The Globe, Dunstable.
My conclusions are as follows:
Kisses Anytime: An excellent Knitting Circle Hare who should show a lot less compassion. She has outstandingly good navigational skills unlike the usual air-headed Harriettes, such as Karman Suits Ja. Her other weakness is that she suffers fools gladly.
Fat Controller: He will be an asset to the community once he grows out of the foolishness of youth. He must stop feeling pity for stragglers. When Kisses was awarded her 10th Run Mug, this mug nearly spat his dummy out as he didn't get his, due to Hash Cash cutbacks, aka Hashadabber Incontinence [don't you mean.... perhaps not .. ed].
ON ? ON! Captain Slog
p.s. F.C. forgot to mention that he always lays the first three marks from a check within 50 paces of each other. And for a T (and the case with the 'fairy wand') a mark will be laid within 50 paces of an alternative trail. Ingrid, can you remember these guidelines, and not expect a trail to be laid out on a plate for you?