"Ask not for whom The Bell tolls" said the assistant hare "this will be a dangerous hash", which turned out to be a load of cobblers - more like dangermouse hash. The so-called hazards:

(a) Dozens of H5 roaming the East Herts countryside way past the witching hour because of a virgin trail layer? Well there was some, pretty standard, whinging about a highly irregular bar. Oh, and half a dozen FRBs wandering around his lordship's garden: but not much wrong with that - they only missed about half a mile of dust and met the hash later. Five Baah took the blame - quite rightly.

(b) Being shot at for crop busting? Not a gunshot was heard. In fact it was a very quiet - almost peaceful - hash especially when My Little Pony and Private Parts were whispering the ON-ONs. Only Overflo's always appropriately used hash horn pierced the warm night air. And as for crop busting even the Mighty Mutts dragging Shagpile, Underlay and G-String stuck to the paths.

(c) A savaging by wild dogs? No chance of that with the show of canine strength we had on parade. The locals retreated and contented themselves with barking from doorways.

(d) Broken ankles from horse hoof prints baked by the recent heat? Not so much as a sprain and a stronger set of ankles all round thanks to the testing conditions.

No, the real danger was avoiding a DD and few achieved that. An Anniversary Down Down went to Penetrator and Ringkisser and Run 663 DDs to Chief Hare Gorjoyce and newie assistants Tricia and Keith. Then young and secret RAs Paige (soon to be named), Munchkin & Pooper were revealed and proved a tribute to modern education - able to identify Sex On The Hash, Mincing and Vandalism as well as having an inkling as to what the W word is.

Cunning Linguist was awarded the DD for sex on the hash with Pongo AND Penetrator (unfortunately on separate occasions). Captain Haddock for vandalism (he was caught stretching against a fence clearly not up to the job), but he'd gone so Deadmeat was nominated to take it for him. Skidmark was nabbed talking about work and Shagpile and newie Meg were the mincers.

But of course it was the RA himself who was sharp enough to spot and reward Supermini for having an 'unfeasibly large lunchbox' in unfeasibly small shorts. Donut was given a DD for splattering Meg & Cunning Linguist with mud and the Gremlin (lager with Crème De Menthe) went to Meg for smoking, and also to Shagpile & Cunning Linguist for aiding & abetting. A further DD and the 'hashit' for arguing with the RA went to Meg who, given the level of protest, was let off lightly.

Finally newies Keith & Tricia were respectively named Count Roadkill (for accounting and not really avoiding cars) and Lady Penelope (for being very ladylike and genteel - she doesn't quite say "hayelp hayelp" like the television version, but it was good enough for the RA).

ON-ON

Count Roadkill