Once again the milling throng of the H5 hash are gathered just over the border in Cambridgeshire at the Three Tuns in Guilden Morden (neighbouring the even more picturesque Steeple Morden) and as usual several mutts arrive complete with Hash owners, including the demented Not my Bitch (or best known by her usual acronym 'Nimby') and G-String's very obedient little puppy 'Mac' who barks insanely and tries to establish a er...'pecking' order (hey Ed, shouldn't that be a 'Barking order'?) but fails miserably.

Due to terrible interference (!), the Hares, No Knickers with slight help from Big Blouse have had to re-lay the trail about 3 times owing to some local tossers who seem to have taken offence at the asbestos-mixed-with-anthrax-and-cocaine powder that was used to mark the trail (instead of the usual flour), and have subsequently obliterated/rubbed out or hovered up the trail (thanks guys, may the fleas of a thousand Camels infest your armpits for ever) so it can't infect them or destroy their property in any way.

With barely half an hour before the On On, the hares re-lay the trail for a third time and eventually the circle is called by G-String, One newie (Brin) and returnee Cardiac (Eh! where's he bin then - Ed) are re-joined by well respected veteran hashers Super Mini, and Wonder Woman who have come back to the UK from Bhutan (near to the top right hand side of India apparently) and were enjoying a holiday (I say, were, as they then arrived for the hash and life went down hill from then on).

Eventually check it out is called and Pooper leads the hash down a small falsie before, rejoining the pack as super fit FRBs Penetrator, Rajah, Paintball (mysteriously trying to disguise himself in one of Poopers running tops ?????) and Pecker aren't fooled by several small false trails and rocket off down a scenic footpath into a small housing estate and onto the first check.

Check it out is called, and the FRBs steam off in all directions lead by an incredibly athletic Dan Dare and Mekon and their savage mutt Fifi trailing slightly. Eventually Blow Job leads the middle section of the hash with Good Crack, Pongo and several 'keen as mustard' slightly junior hash members off in the right direction and we're away down a weather beaten rape field, which cunningly descends into something resembling an army assault course and several pot holes send, Wonder woman, Mekon, Rajah and Blow job head first into various sections of vegetation, all thankfully without injury, but I must point out, with tremendous amusement to the rest of the hash.

Eventually we're at a check and once more Dan Dare leads the way, only to be told it isn't and he and several other FRBs have in fact run straight through a weather massacred falsie. Then it's up a short hill and only Rajah and Pecker decided to sprint towards the nearby village of Aberdeen, er.... I mean Littlington, while the rest of the hash trundle on mass via the road into the edges of Steeple Morden, and then down a hill to a number check, an intensely irritated 5 hashers, Pooper, My Little Pony, Pecker and Mekon (?) (which should really have been Dan Dare) head to the back of the pack.

Check it out is called, and only an over keen hare belts off towards Guilden Morden assuming that the hash is behind him only to realise he is in fact leading the way and therefore the rest of the hash have foiled his cunningly laid falsie. Back to the check and up a hill to see Lunch Box and Knobber barge their way through the knitting circle (which was either missed or ignored by the RA) and we're through and into the last check. A short cut is pointed out and Shagpile, Nimby and Underlay take the sensible option and head for the pub, and the re-assembled hash belt off towards the final 83 mile loop laid by No Knickers, admirably led by a clearly turbo-charged Pecker and Rajah. Then its past a couple of slightly spooked horses and across a wide open prairie and we're into the final leg, by this time the entire hash is on autopilot and as they can smell the beer, they're not stopping for anyone and hack past the once again obliterated 'On Inn', which causes G-String to head in the opposite direction momentarily, before finally descending on the pub for well earned enthusiastic quaffing.

Back at the Tuns the Hash are stunned to see White Rabbit and Major Cripplecock have arrived slightly late and followed the initial OnOn only to get helplessly lost after the first check, and decided to retreat back to the pub (sensible pair!)

Down Downs Awarded to:

• The Hares - No Knickers and Big Blouse
• Newie - Brin (Brian is his real name)
• Lunch Box - for fashionable, but bizarre trousers
• Paintball - for lost property (Poopers Top)
• G-String - For having a 'Fat lady's arse sweat imprint' in the front of his T-shirt
• No Knickers - For dobbing on a newie
• My Little Pony - For possessing a too-clever-by-half GPS system

And

• Big Blouse - For new training shoe possession (PS - Drinking from your shoe is NOT recommended !)

Til next time

On on
Big Blouse and No Knickers.