A hot and sticky evening greeted the hash family at Langford. A drenching looked likely as dark storm clouds gathered in the distance. HM Pongo called the pack to the circle, and Underlay and I (the hares) gave a quick briefing to the pack. As has become the recent trend, we had indulged in inventing our our check markings. A held check would have a 'J' in the circle and required the first hasher at the check to tell a joke to the rest of the pack once they had arrived. I could tell this was going to be popular from the chorus of groans! The newies from Hungary were also introduced (missed the names, but I expect you noticed those long, long tanned legs, tight little buns you could die for and the face of an angel - and the lass wasn't bad either)

The usual FRBs set off at a pace and were soon calling the ON. Down across the river went the trail, with Giblets and 5Barrrr at the fore. Pecker ignored the ON at a check (there's a surprise!) and set off across a meadow, although he was on the true trail. Sadly the meadow's bovine inhabitants had eaten all of the dust. It was with some difficulty that I managed to bellow to Pecker to hold the now invisible check. The cows thought they'd come over to see what all the fuss was about and one hasher (it was probably Bell End - see later) mentioned that he might try milking them. Had he tried it, I expect he'd have made a few friends as they were in fact Bullocks!

The trail led through the river, which sorted out the hashers from the patsies. Quite a few were seen to tiptoe up to the nearby footbridge and skip across rather than get their feet wet. Once again Pecker and a few of the FRBs went off at mach 3, obviously sure they were on the right trail. Wrong! With a bit of prompting, Paintball managed to find the right trail and led the way straight to the first J check. His whinging and whining about not having a joke ready was resolved when I happened to find a few ready written jokes in my pocket.

It was off again, usual fashion, across the next field. Bell End, ever on the lookout for misdemeanours in his capacity as ARA, spotted Underlay's dog taking a pee. "You'd better pick that up" he says to me, "or there'll be a down-down for you". I explained that the mutt was taking a wazz and not a dump, to which Bell End (bless him) says "can't be, I didn't see it's leg being cocked". Short explanation of male/female canine preferred positions then ensued. In his defence, ARA explained that although he's known a few dogs, he's not had recent experience of a hot bitch. Anyhow, you know sometimes when you're in a hole, they say you should stop digging? Not Bell End. The trail led through a newly cut field of wheat. As I ran through the stubble, Bell End, the poor townie, now accused me of 'crop busting'. I explained that the stubble did in fact mean that the crop had been harvested and was therefore no longer in the field!

Remember those dark storm clouds at the beginning of my story? Well by now they were giving an awesome display of sheet and forked lightning - and we were running straight towards them. A discussion on lightning protection began, with the merits of scientific methods and old-wives-tales being considered. Tightwad thought that if all the harrietts were to take off their bras, we could construct a Faraday cage from the underwiring. That was rejected as the harriettes didn't fancy getting black-eyes on the run back. A human lightning conductor seemed to be the favourite choice, and a volunteer was found when I asked for anyone with a science degree to put their hand up. Thanks Cardiac.

What more to say? Shaggy got full enjoyment from the sewage works by running down both side of it. G-String fed the mozzies. Munchkin nearly brought back his full day's consumption of coke and had to have fatherly assistance from Giblets.

Down-Downs ad infinitum at the pub, I've forgotten what they were all for except that Underlay and I were very unfairly awarded the hashits for causing the RA to get bitten by the mozzies. And then it was time to be taken home. I bet those beers you had after I left were really tasty!

ONON - Underlay & Shagpile

PS - if you had tied the piece of string around your finger, it would have reminded you to bring a Bandaid with you!