The WHITE RUN - by Ringer

A calm, warm evening at an idyllic pub, in an idyllic village in rural Bedfordshire; seems perfick, but as we all know, every silver lining has a cloud. Also a welcome return for Dibber - long time not seen. A lively "is it a goose or is it a squirrel" debate ensues (roof top thatch topiary - you had to be there).

The Circle is called by the Hash Mistress and a particularly large Circle is formed, perhaps as a result of us all being deafened last week by the GM. The usual formalities are conducted, including welcoming two Newies. Almost late, the GM arrives solo. This evening the Hares are offering two runs for the price of one: a white run, hared by Ringer, and a red run, hared by Pooper. Advice was offered that the red run was the shorter of the two, but take your pick. The hash is ready to go, but so is the GM - to the loo!!.

(Time passes...) Eventually it's On On and immediately at least 80% of the pack chooses the red run, leaving the principal Hare with just 4 redoubtable (and usually quick) Hashers: Five Baah, Mabel, Cardiac and Clit - gulp, cloud #1. Five Baah picks up the right trail almost immediately and is soon On On into a field of harvested rape. The trail proves difficult to find, but by trying almost every route except the right one, the way out onto the road is found. Over the road and the start a long road run to Battlesden village involving uphills and downhills. On a road which sees about 4 vehicles a day and only goes to the village, by leaping back on the road after checking out a false trail, Five Baah attempts to get run over by a horse lorry.

A welcome (by at least the Hare) held check is followed by a long run along picturesque Battlesden Avenue. At the check, the wrought iron gates prove to be something of an obstacle by appearing to be locked. Five Baah and Mabel (already on the other side) try to encourage the RA to scale the 8ft walls. Sense prevails and the merely stiff gate is opened instead. Offered a shorter return loop, the mighty quartet vote for the full business, and we're off again across another harvested rape field (no Cardiac, it wasn't the same one). Whom should we meet coming the wrong way but Rajah and Good Crack - our numbers have just swelled by 50%. A straightforward loop round the outside of the village by road and bridleway brings us back in just under the hour.

Traditional Down Downs for the Hares, and the Newies, for Mabel for competitive running ("Let's see if we can catch him") and the Hashit to the Hare (Ringer) for choosing a pub that sells beer out of Cardiac's price range (cloud #2); please specify an upper limit for the future reference of all Hares.

OnOn - Ringer

As for what happened on the red run...

A real bonus this week - more Words, as promised and penned by Pooper. Well worth reading! - Ed.
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THE RED RUN - by Pooper

On the red run, 80% of the Hashers chose my run, including Paintball who, however fit he is, is equally lazy. Anyway, not very far into the run, Paintball kept asking me which way to go, but I told him I knew where we were going. When we came to another trail, I could see the trail, but not very well. I only just knew where we were going, so I followed Shagpile and his runaway dog, which was pulling him along, for some of the way. At the end of this trail, we had to go over a small wooden fence in the middle of a hedge. I told the hash to hold the check so that GM and her gang could catch up.

When they caught up, I said that they could move on. Of course, Paintball chooses the false trail to go down, and Shagpile chooses the right trail. He calls "ON ON", and the rest of the hash decide to follow him half a minute later. Anyway, when we get to the next check, with Paintball still asking me the way, I asked him to hold the check (only to stop him annoying me) so he told me to check on the back runners. When I reached them, I found GM and her gang walking again. They all had excuses for this, the worst of these was from Jo [Screamer as I recall: Archive Ed], who did not want to hurt her ankle before her trip to the Caribbean (Lucky Devil).

We ran through the false trail and the real trail. The were both called at the same time, so I told them to go down the false trail. Ringer told me to put the 'T' that way round, but it was the wrong way. I laid it like this, but on the run Paintball did not know what it was because it was the wrong way round, so I had to clear it all out. When we got onto the right trail, we encountered some ankle-breakers. At the end of this run, flies gathered round us by the million because of sweat, smelly feet and my melting hair gel. I carried on as fast as I could, to get rid of some of the flies, at that point there could have been as many as four false trials, but there were none because Ringer forgot to lay them. We ran on the proper trail then at the on inn I was the only person to see it, so when we got near to the pub and I shouted "ON INN!" they were confused because they could not see it. When we got to the pub, I was just about to sit down, when Paintball asked me to find GM and her crew. When I told them that we were almost there, GM said that she could kiss me, and I ran faster than Roger Banister at the start of his four-minute mile. We then got into the pub and had a drink (at tremendous expense).